It has been a crazy day. My mind is still spinning. I can’t believe this happened. What am I doing?
I’ll begin with yesterday. Yesterday night, Sunday night…Chris wanted to know when I was going to be normal again.
He said, “When are you going to stop thinking about yourself and think about someone else for once?”
I looked at him, my anger growing inside me. ”You? What have I done to you?”
“Nothing, absolutely nothing, which is the problem.”
His green eyes seemed to be tearing up. I was a little shocked.
“What do you want me to do?” I said.
“Be attracted to me again perhaps, that would be nice.”
“I can’t do that to her.” I said, looking at my feet. ”I can’t be with you and live my life like nothing happened when she is dead. It isn’t fair. Every time I think I can go back to normal and be with you again, my stomach gets in knots and I can’t do it.”
I looked at his face. There was no sympathy there, just anger and disbelief. “It has been a year. This is not normal. I try to give you your space but it isn’t working. You probably should talk to someone.”
“Who should I talk to? You?”
“A counselor or something.”
“What are you saying, that I’m crazy?”
“It is just that a year is too long.”
All I wanted to do was leave. I looked at Zoe’s door for an escape route and picked up a child’s book off the coffee table.
I said, “I can’t change how I feel. I can’t help being sad sometimes. I’m sorry that it is such a huge inconvenience for you. I’m surprised that you even noticed.”
“What? What are you talking about? How could I not notice that you are sad? We live in the same house don’t we?”
I smiled and shook my head, then took the book into Zoe’s room. Thankfully she wasn’t asleep, which was no surprise since I can only get her to sleep by rubbing her feet and her back. So I read to her and tried to put the conversation out of my mind. I have perfected the art of blocking out unpleasant thoughts after Meliah’s accident…but our conversation sat there, heavy, confusing and my conclusion was…he is tired of my grief, tired of me not performing my “wifely duties”, and he thinks I’m crazy. Great.
So after I dropped Meliah off at summer camp this morning I came home and looked in the mirror and I painted over the dark circles with cover up. I put on a little blush and pulled my lashes out longer with “extending” black mascara. The I put on red lipstick and wiped most of it off so that my lips looked a little flushed. I threw my hair up into a ponytail, put on my baby blue J. Crew tank top and little tan shorts, and I dragged my bicycle out of the shed, shooing off spiders. The sun was shining in my eyes and there was a lovely breeze dancing through a few loose strands of my hair this morning at 8:20 am.
What happened after that bike ride is pretty crazy, but I’ll have to write more tomorrow. I think I am going to tell you everything and not hold back.