my help is like
dust on her sheets
a breeze when she sleeps
effort drips from hidden cracks above
into 2 silver buckets
that I carry and slosh around
with hope
I blow kisses that never land,
and blink but stay foggy
our love lightly dances around us
through the days
and the knowledge-induced haze
but I understand when she looks away
would I, any other way?
The best way to not think about Chris was just to get some work done. I sat cross-legged on my bed and opened up my laptop then clicked the link to have a look at the clothes and shoes I was supposed to describe. My phone rang. I looked at the number. It was Dave.
“Hello?”
“Where’s Chris?”
“I don’t know. Why don’t you call him?”
“I did. He’s not answering and there are like, ten people who need to ask him questions and talk to him about the show tonight.”
“Hang on” I said. I pulled up iCloud, clicked on “devices” and waited for his phone to show up on the little map.
“I just looked up his phone location and he’s in some neighborhood on the island. He said he was going to a doctor appointment but this looks like he’s at someone’s house.”
“Gimmie the address.”
“It doesn’t give an exact one but it’s the third house down from B-street.” I said.
“OK, thanks O.” He hung up. I sat there on my bed staring at the computer screen. Maybe I should have mentioned that Chris was with Jake. No, Dave would have been too grumpy towards me if I mentioned that. Where the heck was he? Perhaps he was picking up Jake where ever he stayed last night…probably Rissa’s house, then taking him to the doctor. That would make sense. I thought about calling him but decided he probably really didn’t want to hear from me. That made me more depressed. I tried to just concentrate on my work. I looked at the photo of the tall black boot I was supposed to make seem alluring and typed, “Smart, sexy and stylish. Kick the holidays into gear with the boot you’ve been looking for all your life.” Ugh.
Evan and Luna had resumed their lesson and I could hear them speaking Greek in the living room. Then I heard the front door open and Bob walking in with Zoe, talking loudly about a teddy bear that was somehow now stuck in their guest room ceiling fan. Luna’s voice went up two octaves as she spoke lovingly to Zoe. I heard a knock at my door and figured it would be Luna with Zoe, but Evan walked in. He sat at the edge of my bed.
“Are you mad at me?”
“I don’t really care” I said, clicking on the next picture I was supposed to make “pop”. I started to type.
“I don’t know why I like to tease you so much,” he said.
“Cause you’re an idiot.” He nodded, resigned to that declaration. Then I looked up from my screen and said, “You’re like that little boy who steals and runs away with the little girl’s yellow sweater because you want her to notice you.”
“I think you’re on to me, Odette” he said. He lay back on my bed with his feet on the floor while I typed. I didn’t mind having him there if only he would keep his mouth shut. I wrote for a while and he just played with his phone high up in front of his face. Then after about half an hour he got nosey and came over to read what I was writing.
“It’s boring and stupid don’t look at it” I said.
“What are you writing?”
“I’m trying to get people excited about a terrible website.”
“Sounds difficult.”
“Its not. You just act super positive and happy with some kind of cheesy alliteration. People are easy to convince.”
“I don’t always find that to be so,” he said.
“I do,” I replied as I typed.
I looked at him for a second, he had gone back to lying on his back and he smiled up at me, upside down.
“I like hanging out here in your room while you work” he said. I ignored him, but thought that was kind of a nice thing to say and I could feel him noticing my smile. I flickered my eyes up to him then back at my screen.
He said, “I told my sister you were busy today and that you’d come and talk to her about teaching dance at her studio, maybe next week.”
I stopped typing again and looked at him. “I’d forgotten I was supposed to talk to her today. But with everything that’s happened, I don’t know if I want to stay in St Augustine anymore. I don’t want to feel left behind…by Chris.”
He sat up. “You don’t want to leave here. You are making Luna so happy. She’s gone from crazy Luna to the coolest old chick on the block since you got here and mixed things up a little. And Zoe seems really settled and really close with her.”
I nodded. He was right that Luna and Zoe had a special bond.
“Where would you go?” he said. “Back to Athens?”
I closed my laptop sitting cross legged still, clasped my hands and leaned forward to talk to him. He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes then looked at me. I said, “I’ve always wanted to teach English in Prague.”
“Teach English? You probably need to learn where to put a comma first,” he said.
“I told you not to look at my work!” I yelled at him. “God, you are so annoying.”
“Do you think Chris would be ok with you taking Zoe to a different country?”
“Yes”
He shook his head, “I don’t know about that. Anyway, you need to just stay here for a while and let the people who care about you, take care of you through this mess.”
I almost asked who the people who cared about me were, but thought better of it. “Listening to you guys talk about travel all the time has given me the bug. Anyway, I need a distraction from feeling like this. I need to block all this painful stuff out of my mind.” My heart ached for Chris again and I felt panicky, trying to think of a way to block it out again.
“Well,” he said, “I’m going to England soon to teach a class for a few weeks. Maybe you could come with me?”
Was he serious? He was. “It needs to be just me and Zoe for a while,” I said.
He nodded. “I just wanted to put it out there. You would love the Yorkshire Dales. I’ll be staying at a little farm house the first couple of weeks. Zoe could go and play in the fields. It will probably snow.”
“Are there cute little sheep?”
“So many that you have to sit in the car and wait for them to go by as you drive up the winding road to the farmhouse.”
“Mmmm” I said. “Lovely, and Zoe’s never seen snow before.”
He smiled and shrugged. It would be nice to have the company of a friend…like you. And I promise I won’t steal your yellow sweater. You would definitely need it there.”
I nodded. “Thanks. It’s not likely though, Evan. I’m still hoping to patch things up with Chris. I don’t think running off to England would help much with that. But I’ll think about it.”
He grinned happily and slid his glasses back on, “good,” he said. “And I promise I will help you get to Prague at some point too, if that’s what you have always wanted.”
“Thank you” I said. “I can figure out how to get to Prague myself though. Now get out so I can finish my work.”
He nodded, looking a little confused but he got up and left.
He shut the door and my room was quiet. I wondered where this overwhelming shower of attention from him was coming from. I figured it probably had something to do with Dave telling him to stay away from me. He should have known better than that. Or maybe he did.
(warning….strong language at the end of this post)
Chris was actually waiting right there for me in the hallway. I looked up at him, surprised that he was standing outside my bedroom door. I couldn’t help but smile. He hadn’t shaved in a few days and his hair was a little longer and scraggly-looking. But he was smiling back, almost glowing and I realized we were both very happy to see each other. What a relief. He took me in his arms and breathed in my hair, then he kissed me and looked at my face and kissed me again. His cheek was scratchy and it made me laugh.
“Are you OK?” he said. “God you make me worry about you. Why are you hiding from me?”
“Can’t a person put on some makeup in privacy?” I grinned.
He looked a little confused. “Yea sure, of course.” He took my hand and we walked into the living room where the rest of the band were also looking a bit scruffy, all holding their rucksacks. Dave had his arm snug around a huge longboard. Luna and I got to work showing them where they would be sleeping. Zoe was going to sleep with Luna for the night so a couple of guys could have her room. Then the other two had the guest room. Dave said he was just going to sleep out on the hammock on the porch, but I sugessted he have a back-up plan incase it rained and he said the couch was a fine back up plan. Luna grimaced. “Well I’ll put some sheets over here next to the couch then. Please spread them over the cushions before sleeping on it. And make sure you take your shoes off,” Luna said. “Or you could just move a few steps further to the guest room where I have a bed prepared for you,” she suggested.
“She doesn’t want a smelly drunk guy sleeping and puking on her expensive couch!” I said.
“Oh OK.” he grumbled, and shot me a scowl.
All at once the place started to fill up. It wasn’t like a usual Luna-party. The word had got out that Chris’s band was going to be here and soon the house was jam packed with fans, locals and other musicians. Chris and I walked Zoe over Bob and Lucy’s house. I didn’t want to put her to bed where there was such mayham. We stayed and had a glass of wine with the happy old couple. They wanted to hear all about Zoe’s “spectrum” dance class. Then I left Zoe falling asleep against Lucy on the couch with the TV on. Bob walked back with us to Luna’s. We walked past the tour bus which Chris promised he would show me properly after they cleaned it up. The night air was crisp and cool with tons of stars in the clear sky. There were cars parked all the way down the street for what looked like a mile. We could hear the music out on the street. Some other band was playing first, in Luna’s living room and I imagined with dismay, the mess of wires and amps all over her pristine wood floors. Chris said he was ready to let loose and have some fun so when we got back to the house he disappeared to go and find Dave and the guys. I went out on to the porch where it wasn’t so noisy and talked to Bob for a long time. He is so nice, brought us a bottle of bourbon. I didn’t think I should mix that with Ativan though and just nursed my one glass of white wine that I had carried over from Lucy’s house, taking miniscule sips.
We were just talking about Lucy’s new pottery line and how she might actually open a store downtown, when when we heard hoots and yells and laughing. I looked out towards the beach to see 4 bare asses, including my husband’s, as the guys in the band were running naked to the ocean leaving their shorts and sweaters on the sand. Of course their friends immediately started gathering up the discarcded clothes so there would be nothing for the guys to put on once they came back in. But I walked down the wooden porch steps to the beach and pulled all the clothes from their hands, then walked over to the waters edge to wait. Luna and Bob joined me a few minutes later with some large towels.
“They are such idiots!” I said, as we watched them diving in and doing front flips over the waves. They didn’t stay out for long and came running back to the beach freezing cold and Luna laughed and shook her head as she put the towels over their bare shoulders. She gave me a towel to give to Chris.
“Seriously?” I said. “You can’t just hang out and be a normal human being for one night?” He grabbed me and splashed back into the ocean and held me over the waves while I screamed for him to put me down.
“I’ll put you down!” he shouted through his laughter.
“Nooooo!!!” I screamed. He carried me back to the beach where he was laughing so hard he was practically coughing.
“Put some clothes on you idiot!” I yelled at him. Then I grabbed his boxers and smacked him in the belly with them. He started to put them on and I couldn’t help but laugh with him. Once he was finally dressed but still shivering a little, we walked back with his arm wrapped tightly around me. We stopped in the sand below the porch. A bunch of people had gathered there to hang out where it was quieter and sheltered from the cold ocean-breeze. Chris held on to me the whole time while he talked to people that I had never met before, but he seemed completely comfortable with. He told them about the tour and when they got food poisoning all at the same time on the bus last week and how disgusting it was.
I stood there listening to him talk easily and happily, looking over at me and grinning periodically as I stood there quietly. After a few minutes he turned to me and whispered in my ear, “Do you want to go for a walk on the beach, away from everyone?” I nodded and my heart started to thud. He went and got a beer out of the cooler nearby then we turned away from everyone to head off on our walk… but stopped when we saw Rissa and Jake walking up to us from the beach. “Oh no” I whispered. Chris immediately let go of my hand. Jake stumbled up to us. He was obvioulsy quite drunk. Rissa smiled at me but her face dropped when she saw my expression.
“What is he doing here?” Chris said.
“He’s with Rissa” I said.
“Who the hell is Rissa?”
I held out my hand towards her, “Rissa is Jake’s girlfriend, and she’s my friend. She lives here in St. Augustine.”
“Small world” Chris said. “A little too small. What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Odette, why don’t you tell him why I’m here?” Jake slurred.
“He came to see Rissa, didn’t he?” I said, looking at her pleadingly.
She nodded, looking horrified. “I thought he was friends with you guys” she said. “When I saw him…”
“Jake, leave!” I cut her off. I didn’t need her saying she saw him over here.
Chris put his hand on my shoulder and I saw Jake’s expression cloud over. I could feel my breathing getting faster and I just wanted to push Jake away from us, push his drunk-ass off down the beach to his truck where he could sleep it off. But I wasn’t allowed to be that familiar with him anymore. I was stuck.
I slipped my arm around Chris’s back and I know that sent Jake over the edge. He pushed Rissa away and pointed at me, “She acts like she’s so goddamn innocent around you. But she knows, and I know what she is really like.” He took a step towards Chris and looked him in the eye. “You’re never going to really know that girl. You should see the things she likes me to do to her…they are not so innocent, are they Odette?”
Chris held his beer out in front of him, pointing it at Jake. “I don’t believe you, you drunk piece of shit. Why the fuck do you follow me around? You are not invited anywhere, yet you always seem to show up. Get your own fucking life you miserable little prick. Stop trying to borrow mine. It’s pitiful.”
I braced myself for Jake’s response: “I would, Chris, fucking rock-star-extraordinaire, if your wife wasn’t so obsessed with my dick.”
The sky was getting darker. I sat on my bed next to a sleeping Jake, hugged my knees to my chest, and watched the clouds turn pink and gold.
He opened his eyes and looked at me, then sat up a little, resting his head on the absurdly-large collection of pillows on the bed. “I don’t want to waste my brief time with you sleeping,” he said and rubbed his shoulder like it was sore.
“How are you feeling?”
“OK” he said… “good”. He smiled and took my hand.
I looked at our fingers knotted together and kind of felt like a teenager. “What happened out there in the ocean?” I said.
“I’m kind of thinking I must have died and gone to heaven”. He grinned at me and kissed the back of my hand while looking up at me.
I shook my head and smiled, feeling oddly shy.
“I don’t know. I just couldn’t find the surface” He rubbed his forehead. “I told myself if I made it out of there alive I would call my mom”.
I grabbed my phone from my bedside table and handed it to him. He shook his head. “Just call her” I said.
“I don’t know if I remember her number and my phone is in my truck”
“Try.”
He touched my phone to his head, as if he could transfer the number from his brain to the phone. Then he dialed and held it to his ear.
“Hi Mom. It’s a friend’s phone. Hey, I just wanted to tell you I love you. No, nothing’s wrong. Yes, I am OK. What? You don’t need to come and see me. I said I’m fine! Mom, I’m not even in town right now. Well, maybe next weekend. Ok, ok, ok, bye.” He looked at me. “I totally freaked her out.”
“That was really nice that you called her.” I said.
He gave my phone back to me and kissed the back of my hand again. Then he looked at his arm and laughed. “What did you do to my arm?”
“I bandaged it up while you slept.”
“I look like a mummy! Maybe I am dead.”
“You should have seen your arm before.”
“I did! I used to get torn up like that all the time when I was a kid and skateboarded on concrete ramps at the park near my house.” Jake suddenly leaned forward and tugged me up closer to him. “What do you want to do now? We could got and pitch my tent over at Anastasia Beach.”
“Um…I don’t know about that.”
“Can we stay here?”
“Maybe.”
“You are so beautiful” he said. “Have I told you that before?”
“I don’t think so.” I was a little stunned at his sudden, niceness. It was unsettling.
He looked at he mosquito net hanging over my bed and picked it up then let it float down. “What the hell is this?” he said.
I laughed. “Luna’s decorations”
“And these?” he picked up the pink pillows and whacked me with one of them. “It’s like a bed for Sleeping Beauty in here. Does she know you’re not eight?”
“I’m not sure. But I thought this bed was more like Princess and the Pea” I said, grabbing the pillow out of his hand as he tried to whack me in the head with it. “Do you know that one?”
He shook his head.
I hugged the pink pillow. “Well this prince wants to find a REAL princess, so he searches far and wide but they are all too tall or too skinny or too happy or too sad…it’s awful really. So, one night this girl shows up at his castle in the middle of a storm and she is soaking wet and all she can say is, “I am a REAL princess.” So after they get her all dried up and warm the Queen plays a trick on her. She sticks a dried pea under 20 mattresses and 20 feather beds and puts the girl to bed there. Then in the morning the girl wakes up all bruised up from feeling the hard little pea through all the mattresses and featherbeds, and so the queen knows the girl must be princess-enough to marry her son. You see, only a REAL princess could be sensitive enough to feel a pea through all of that fluff.”
“That’s a weird story” he said. “Why would anyone want to be with a girl who could get bruised by a pea? Sounds like she needs a blood transfusion or something.”
“I really don’t know” I laughed.
“Hm, do you think you are a REAL princess?”
“Most definitely not” I said. “It seems I don’t feel anything these days, except when you are around. Then I feel too much.”
“Why do you feel too much?” His eyes shined as he looked at me, grinning that irresistible grin.
“Well,” I said, he kissed me and I almost forgot what I was going to say. “Each day, with all the responsibilities, everything just glides by effortlessly slipping away to be stored in, well, no memory, anywhere. But when you’re are here, every second is like a swollen pocket of time, filled with energy and excitement. But the bad part is that each one is so full, they could, well, explode.”
“Damn English major,” he said. “Your kind always says such weird shit. Sorry though, I would hate to make your time-pocket’s explode.” He broke out into a big grin.
I leaned against his chest and he hugged me from behind with both arms. “This is better than I imagined,” he said squeezing me gently. “Know anymore fairytales?”
“My mom used to read me all these different versions of Swan Lake since she called me Odette and our last name is Swann. I would never do that to my kid. I’ve had to deal with that my whole life. So yes, that and many other fairytales.”
“I’ve never read Swan Lake”
“Well, there’s a white swan and a black swan in it, and I never knew which one I was supposed to be. When I was little I was sure it was the white one. Then as a teenager, I wasn’t so sure. When I met Chris and his last name was Silver, I realized if I married him it would make me the silver-swan.”
“OK,” he said. “So the reason you married Chris is because you liked his last name?”
“I just thought it was too much of a coincidence. It had to be meant-to-be.”
“And now?”
“I’m kind of messing up the fairytale” I said.
“Well what about me in all of this? Am I the villain or the prince?”
“Neither.” I said. “I think you are the dragon.”
“Well then, Odette, Silver-Swan, you most defintitly are the sword.” He tickled me so that I screamed-laughing and then he folded himself on top of me and wrapped his arms tightly around me again, kissing me like he was never going to let me go.
He threw his board down on the sand, his eyes blazing. I was a little taken back. He said, “How many boyfriends do you need, Odette?” ————————————————–
I woke up as the sun was just peeking over the horizon and threw on my white bikini, some comfy gray sweatpants and a wooly hat. I could hear Zoe playing with Luna in the living room and when I slid open the sliding-glass doors of my bedroom and stepped out in bare feet, the birds were singing their morning chorus against the wash of blue sky. I walked down the little path of stepping stones through dunes covered with prickly sand-spurs, tiny golden flowers and vines, and made my way to the soft, cold sand of the beach. I had told Jake not to come this morning, but I needed to go and check anyway.
The ocean was ragingly beautiful with the sun sparkling across the huge, green crashing waves. I hugged my cold-self and imagined how it would be right now if I hadn’t told him not to come. I imagined him walking up the beach towards me. Maybe Milo would be running up next to him. I imagined him picking me up and kissing me. My heart started to pound just from the thought.
I sighed, sat down in the sand and slowly traced his name with my finger in the tiny grains. I wondered where he really was, what he was doing right now, if he was thinking about me or if he hated me. But even now, even missing him like this, I knew I was doing the right thing. Chris wouldn’t give me any more chances at this point. I got up, scrubbed his name out with my foot and made my way back inside to join Luna and Zoe.
The rest of the day was busy with working and taking Zoe to her appointments. It warmed up nicely by the late afternoon, early evening, so when we got back I decided to go for a jog and swim. The tide was very strong, even in the shallow ocean. So I dove under and rinsed off quickly. I dried off with my orange towel, threw it in the sand and pulled on my warm sweatpants. I was surprised when Evan walked up. He pushed his glasses up his nose and said hi. I totally had forgotten I was supposed to meet him, and was glad I just happened to be out there when I said I would be.
“Hi” I leaned to the side and squeezed the salt water out of my hair and managed to also smile at him.
He didn’t look as comfortable out here on the beach as he did last night at the party stretched out on the couch with his wine and his smug smile. He said, “Um, I talked to my sister and she wants you to come by tomorrow to talk to her if you can.”
This was awesome. “Yay! thank you, thank you!” I clasped my hands and smiled happily at him.
“You know, Odette,” he said. I could tell by the tone of his voice that something uncomfortable was going to be said next. “I didn’t mean to be such a jerk last night.”
“What do you mean?” I mumbled, unenthused, putting my hands on my hips. It didn’t matter that he had a nice face and cute glasses….he was too annoying.
“Well, asking you what you were wearing to the beach. That was a totally lame thing to say and I’m not that kind of a guy and I was kicking myself all the rest of the night over it.”
“I don’t think I even thought about it for more than like, two seconds” I said, looking up at some seagulls flying overhead.
“But your face, you looked like you were utterly creeped out.”
“Well,” I looked right at him, “I figured you’d had a few glasses of wine and guys say stupid things when they’ve had a few,” I said. “Believe me, I’ve heard it all.”
“I’m sure you have” he said. He leaned in for an awkward hug. I kind of patted his back like he was a little boy and I swear he smelled my shoulder. I stepped back, wiping off his breath. Then he turned around and left. I bit my bottom lip and laughed. He was so weird.
Then I turned to pick up my towel from the sand, but stopped when I saw someone on the beach walking towards me and I totally froze. My heart started to pound rapidly, it was like everything I had imagined this morning, at least the first part, was coming true.
Jake looked exactly how I had pictured…shirt off, holding his board, and I could barely breath with excitement and sorrow. He looked angry. I wanted to run towards him and just hold him but I knew I couldn’t. And damn it he shouldn’t be here because there was no way I was ever, ever going to get over him if he kept coming to me. I watched him walk slowly towards me, then he stopped right in front of me. He threw his board down on the sand, his eyes blazing. I was a little taken back. He said, “How many boyfriends do you need, Odette?”
I was confused. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m gong to tell Chris. I’m going to tell him that now you are fucking some nerd at the beach.”
I was horrified, then I suddenly realized he was talking about Evan. He must have seen us talking then that ridiculous hug at the end. “What are you talking about?” I laughed. “That’s crazy.” He didn’t flinch. He still looked furious and I realized he really and truly thought that I was messing around with Evan.
Then it was my turn to be angry. All the emotions that I had been suppressing came crashing into my chest. I stepped forward like I was going to tackle him or something and said clearly, “I’m not doing anything wrong. I can actually do whatever I want. Chris and I are separated and you and I…” I put my hand on my heart, “are nothing. We are nothing. So why are you here yelling at me? You have no right to even talk to me.”
He rubbed his nose and looked up at me. I was probably shaking with anger. Then his face softened and he looked so conflicted. As he looked right at my eyes I realized he was probably going to kiss me and I could have turned and walked off and ended it right there. But I let him take my arm and pull me in. I seemed to fit perfectly against this chest with his arms wrapped around me. I kissed him back and suddenly dissolved into crying over him, I didn’t want to let him go. He pulled away and looked at my tears then smoothed my hair back out of my face. He looked really happy. Then he hugged me again and I saw Evan out of the corner of my eye, watching from Luna’s porch. This was no good. Chris didn’t need to find out about this and Evan was not a person to be trusted. I didn’t want to ever leave Jake’s arms but I pulled away from him and picked up my sandy towel. I shook it on his feet to piss him off then walked off. I needed Chris, not this.
He said, “Odette, don’t….don’t go.”
He pretty much ripped my heart out right then on the beach. All I wanted to do was run back to him and tell him it was OK and that I needed him to be truly happy. But instead I grasped onto doing what was right and screamed at him to go. I don’t remember what I said but the words came tumbling out of my mouth then he picked up his board and was gone.
I just ran to the porch, and as I was about to brush past Evan, (who was gaping at me), and throw open the sliding doors to go inside, I turned to see Jake heading into the huge waves with his board.
“Last night I met a girl with huge green eyes and a crooked tooth that I couldn’t stop staring at. Dave noticed her first and asked me to play wing-man but he quickly lost interest when he met her friend.” —————————————————————————–
My friends Jim and Linda are giving away their old cat and getting a new little puppy to “recharge their relationship”. This has bugged me incessantly. It has been on my mind while we drive from city to city. I can’t seem to shake it.
I tried to reach Odette but she wasn’t answering her phone. Luna told me that she has been more social lately and much happier too. I wondered if our sojourn in New York was the cause and frowned when it suddenly hit me that Jim and Linda’s dog was a bit like our trip to NY. Something temporarily wonderful meant to change the course of ones life but would soon fade with all of the other memories of happier times. What was going to happy once Odette forgot about New York? What will happen when we are back in Athens and a new Jake moves in down the street? Will her head forever be turned by something shiny and new? Or, god forbid, the old Jake keeps renting that house and Odette and he keep seeing one another? Will she grow tired of him eventually? Is part of the thrill just that he is something different or does she really love him? And what kind of person can’t control her impulses? Odette acts as if having an affair was another bad decision that should be ignored the way we never talked about that horrible pixie cut she got shortly after Zoe was born.
Last night I met a girl with huge green eyes and a crooked tooth that I couldn’t stop staring at. Dave noticed her first and asked me to play wing-man but he quickly lost interest when he met her friend; a smoking hot brunette that presently is sleeping next to Dave, though God knows how the way he is snoring. Annie told me that it happens all the time – her golden hair and green eyes brings them over and then Maya’s cleavage lures them in. I bought her a beer and we talked for hours. I found myself telling Annie things that I used to only share with Odette and for the first time I though that maybe I would be o.k. if Odette did go off with some other guy. If it were not Odette that night at the party so long ago, would I be just as happy spending my life with someone else; someone like Annie? I tried to imagine kissing Annie and how it would feel to have my tongue trace that deliciously crooked tooth and I found that I didn’t hate the idea; didn’t feel guilty at all. As if she sensed what I was thinking, Annie suddenly leaned over and kissed me and I immediately jumped up spilling my beer down the front of her shirt. She started yelling at me, the bartender looked pissed and Dave was nowhere to be found. All I wanted to do is go home. All I wanted was to call Odette.
We will be back in Georgia in a few days but I have decided to surprise Odette and go straight to Florida. Our manager got us a gig in St. Augustine and I talked Luna into having a party and letting all the guys crash on the beach in front of her house. Not that it took much convincing, Luna is a born entertainer. I can’t wait to hold Odette on the beach and play with Zoe in the sand dunes. I just thought of the perfect surprise for Zoe too; a sweet old cat who definitely needs a happy home.
Lyrics:
First the mic, then a half cigarette
Singing “Cathy’s Clown”
That’s the man that she’s married to now
That’s the girl that he takes around town
She appears composed, so she is, I suppose
Who can really tell?
She shows no emotion at all
Stares into space like a dead china doll
I’m never going to know you now
But I’m going to love you anyhow
Now she’s done and they’re calling someone
Such a familiar name
I’m so glad that my memory’s remote
Because I’m doing just fine hour to hour, note to note
Here it is, the revenge to the tune
“You’re no good,
You’re no good, you’re no good, you’re no good”
Can’t you tell that it’s well understood?
I’m never going to know you now
But I’m gonna love you anyhow
I’m here today and expected to stay on and on and on
I’m tired
I’m tired
Looking out on the substitute scene
Still going strong
XO, Mom
It’s ok, it’s all right, nothing’s wrong
Tell Mr. Man with impossible plans to just leave me alone
In the place where I make no mistakes
In the place where I have what it takes
I’m never going to know you now
But I’m going to love you anyhow
I’m never going to know you now
But I’m going to love you anyhow
I’m never going to know you now
But I’m going to love you anyhow
I slammed my hand down on the little dinger and shivered. The hotel lobby smelled like coconut and sweat and it was about the size of one of the bathrooms in my parent’s house. I dinged again. At 4am there was a possibility I would be standing here for a while. But then some old dude with gray hair sticking up like Woody Woodpecker, half-stumbled in through a little door and leaned over on the counter on his elbows. I tried not to grin as he looked up at me incredulously.
“You kids” he said.
I took out my wallet and pulled out a wad of cash. I thought maybe that would put him in a better mood when he remembered there was going to be money involved in this exchange. He took out a receipt pad and wrote $45 on there and pushed it over to me. I put $45 on the counter and he pocketed it, walked over to a wall of keys and started to point at them, murmuring.
“What?” I said.
“You kids” he said again. “You all come flooding in to ride the hurricane waves, don’t even care if you goddamn kill yourselves.”
He turned around holding a key in his fist, “Ever heard of a goddamn riptide?”
He walked over to the counter with the key and held it up for me, dangling it. I went to take it from his hand but he pulled it way. “Well have you?” he said.
“I didn’t come here to surf,” I said.
He eyed my board leaning against the chair behind me. “You think I’m blind, boy?”
“Just give me the goddamn key” I said, borrowing his cussword. I didn’t owe him any explanation about why I was here. It wasn’t his business that I had driven all night for a married woman, 8 years older than I, who didn’t want to see me. Or that I didn’t feel like pitching a tent on the beach in the dark anymore. That motivation had dissolved as I approached St. Augustine…and reality. Now I was going to sleep and sleep, then figure out what the hell I was going to do next.
He put the key on the counter and I took it. He pointed off to the right and mumbled to take the stairs because the elevator was broken. Then he wagged his finger at me, “Don’t you take that key with you when you leave. Its not some piece of shit plastic card.”
“Don’t worry dude,” I said wearily. “I’m not gonna keep your key.”
I grabbed my board and my duffle bag and pillow and backed out of the glass door into the cold. Usually the beach air had that excitement to it. But right now it was depressing and I hoped that the room was at least clean as I made my way up the concrete steps with my ears and nose freezing. I thought of my own warm bed with Milo stretched across the bottom. I climbed the last step and turned to look for my room number as my board slammed into the railing with a loud clang. I dropped everything at my feet and smoothed my fingertips over the new ding and realized then, that I’d had better ideas than this. And although I know it is good to be spontaneous, sometimes it is just fucking stupid to not take no for an answer.
I can’t believe I actually had fun at one of Luna’s parties. I was feeling melancholy at first after texting Jake, telling him not to come. But then I realized that I was more relieved than anything else. Things were getting back on track. I was going to work really hard at doing the right thing. Chris and I were finally in a good place after having fun together in New York. And now all I had to do was simply behave myself.
After I put Zoe to bed I talked to my mom on the phone for a while. She has been going to our house to feed the cat and get the mail and she said that Chris is getting tons of fan mail and sometimes there are even boxes and presents for him on our doorstep. She said there was a guy sitting in a car, taking pictures of her going in and out if the house a couple of days ago. I’m wondering if Chris should just come here and bring the cat, after his tour, if Luna doesn’t mind.
I didn’t help much with the party prep. I’m a lousy house guest, I know. I stayed in my room until I heard the music and the chatter get a bit louder. Then I put on my white, long-sleeved beach dress, white cable knit sweater and flip flops, then went out to get a glass of wine. When I walked into the living room I didn’t recognize anyone at first. I found my way into the kitchen and poured myself a glass, looking for my Aunt. I figured she was probably outside. Then I saw Evan, her grad student and I looked down into my wine, embarrassed. Then I decided to try and be “normal” and I walked over to him and smiled my absolute friendliest smile and said brightly, “Hi Evan!”
He looked surprised and amused, which made me instantly uncomfortable. “Hello Odette,” he said. “You look lovely, as always.”
I flushed. I could have done without the compliment. “You look nice yourself’ I said, not really believing that but trying to be on the same level as him. His glasses were crooked. I almost told him to fix them but I reminded myself I was being normal and polite this evening…no snarky coming off as flirtatious, if possible.
“It is a bit windy out…big waves,” I managed.
“Yes” he smiled. “Probably due to that enormous hurricane that’s been churning up the Atlantic for the past few days.”
“I would guess so.” I looked around for my Aunt, or an escape.
“Are you regretting coming to talk to me, Odette?” he said.
I looked at him feeling annoyance starting to build. I could feel the snappy comments arranging themselves in my mind and I pushed them away. “Of course not” I said, politely with a poker face. Then to my relief, I saw Rissa over at the other end of the kitchen.
“If you’ll excuse me I must say hello to a friend” I said and gently, confidently touched his arm then made my way over to see Rissa. Thank God that went OK and I didn’t end up yelling at him for one reason or another. “Rissa!” I shouted.
She looked over at me and brightened, “Hey surfer girl!” she said. “I was hoping I’d see you here!”
“I looked for you today out on the waves from the beach, but I didn’t see you,” I said.
“Those waves were too big for me!” she said. “I would die in those waves!”
“They were pretty intense,” I said.
“I heard Kelly Slater was out there! I was hoping he would be here too!” she said, taking my arm.
“I don’t think there are any famous surfers here, ” I said.
“As if you would know! Come and meet my friends.” She headed off to the porch and I grabbed a bottle of wine off the counter on my way out.
The rest of the night I was sociable and open. I didn’t grump at anyone. I thought about Jake a couple of times and found myself getting upset. But I was able to redirect my thoughts and talk about Chris and his tour to everyone. I told them how amazing his concert was, but left out the part that he made me watch from the audience at first.
People were still there after midnight…still talking about the huge waves. But I was ready to go to bed so I said my goodnights and left them out on the porch. I walked in the house and through the living room and there was Evan, sitting on the couch with a professor from the college. “Odette!” he said.
I stopped at looked at him, trying not to scowl, “What’s up, Evan.” I still felt prickly towards him. I tried very hard to come across as polite but now that I was tired, it was only half working.
The professor suddenly hopped up off the couch and announced he was going to say goodnight to Luna. I was left with Even and he patted the couch next to him. I decided, once again to be polite and went and sat down, wishing I was still holding a glass of wine so I had something to do with my hands. I folded them in my lap, then looked at him and raised my eyebrows.
“You seem happy tonight” he said.
“Things are good. I had a lot of fun in New York with Chris” I said.
“Chris is your husband?” he said.
“Yes.”
“Luna says that you are separated.”
“Luna says a lot of things” I said. “Especially when she’s lit.”
“Are you?”
“Am I lit? No. I only did it that one time with you. I don’t really like it.”
“I’m asking if you are separated…are you, or are you not?”
His pestering was aggravating but I still had a little politeness left in me. “It’s complicated” I said, thinking of my friend’s Facebook page…how weird that “complicated” was an option for describing your Facebook relationship status. “But we’re doing well now, which is good.”
“I’m glad things seem to be working out” he said.
I nodded, feeling a little more relaxed.
“Luna says you’re a dancer.”
“I suppose”
“Well, my sister owns a studio on the island and they need a ballet teacher for the 7-10 year olds. I told her about you and if you are interested, she would love to talk to you about teaching them.”
“That actually sounds like a lot of fun,” I said, starting to feel excited about the possibility.
“How long are you in town for?” he said.
“I don’t know now. Chris is getting a lot of attention for his song so we might not be able to go back to the Athens house for a while. So, indefinitely” I said.
“OK, well, I’m going to be here tomorrow afternoon, I’ll come and tell you what she says then OK?”
“OK! If I’m on the beach, come out and find me” I beamed.
“I will. What are you going to be wearing?”
“Huh?”
“So I know how to find you.”
“Probably a white bathing suit.”
He smiled and nodded and rubbed his chin. I looked back at him feeling slightly horrified, and if I wasn’t so excited about the dancing-class option I probably would have let myself tell him he was a complete idiot.
Instead, I said goodnight and got up and walked off to bed. I checked my phone again. Jake never texted me back so I figured he was probably just done with me and my flaky propositions and cancellations. I shook it out of my head and tried to think of how amazing that would to be to teach ballet.
I peeked in on Zoe sleeping as I made my way to my room. Her noisemaker was playing wave-sounds since I had to shut her window now that it is getting so cold at night. I finally felt like a good mom again. I was going to be able to sleep well tonight. I wondered if Jake was gong to sleep OK and then I scolded myself to stop already. He would be fine, he always was. And eventually, I wouldn’t be thinking of him at night anymore. Maybe I’ll even start thinking about Chris.
The afternoon air is comfortably crisp here in Brooklyn. I get to wear my big purple sweater outside on my balcony as I sip my tea but it’s not enough. I should feel comforted but I don’t. I quietly avoid transforming my mess of thoughts into words of hope, regret or even numbness. I try to call Odette but she’s not there. Maybe crying could help.
