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Jake Shows Up – by: Odette

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He threw his board down on the sand, his eyes blazing. I was a little taken back. He said, “How many boyfriends do you need, Odette?”
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I woke up as the sun was just peeking over the horizon and threw on my white bikini, some comfy gray sweatpants and a wooly hat. I could hear Zoe playing with Luna in the living room and when I slid open the sliding-glass doors of my bedroom and stepped out in bare feet, the birds were singing their morning chorus against the wash of blue sky. I walked down the little path of stepping stones through dunes covered with prickly sand-spurs, tiny golden flowers and vines, and made my way to the soft, cold sand of the beach. I had told Jake not to come this morning, but I needed to go and check anyway.

The ocean was ragingly beautiful with the sun sparkling across the huge, green crashing waves. I hugged my cold-self and imagined how it would be right now if I hadn’t told him not to come. I imagined him walking up the beach towards me. Maybe Milo would be running up next to him. I imagined him picking me up and kissing me. My heart started to pound just from the thought.

I sighed, sat down in the sand and slowly traced his name with my finger in the tiny grains. I wondered where he really was, what he was doing right now, if he was thinking about me or if he hated me. But even now, even missing him like this, I knew I was doing the right thing. Chris wouldn’t give me any more chances at this point. I got up, scrubbed his name out with my foot and made my way back inside to join Luna and Zoe.

The rest of the day was busy with working and taking Zoe to her appointments. It warmed up nicely by the late afternoon, early evening, so when we got back I decided to go for a jog and swim. The tide was very strong, even in the shallow ocean. So I dove under and rinsed off quickly. I dried off with my orange towel, threw it in the sand and pulled on my warm sweatpants. I was surprised when Evan walked up. He pushed his glasses up his nose and said hi. I totally had forgotten I was supposed to meet him, and was glad I just happened to be out there when I said I would be.

“Hi” I leaned to the side and squeezed the salt water out of my hair and managed to also smile at him.

He didn’t look as comfortable out here on the beach as he did last night at the party stretched out on the couch with his wine and his smug smile. He said, “Um, I talked to my sister and she wants you to come by tomorrow to talk to her if you can.”

This was awesome. “Yay! thank you, thank you!” I clasped my hands and smiled happily at him.

“You know, Odette,” he said. I could tell by the tone of his voice that something uncomfortable was going to be said next. “I didn’t mean to be such a jerk last night.”

“What do you mean?” I mumbled, unenthused, putting my hands on my hips. It didn’t matter that he had a nice face and cute glasses….he was too annoying.

“Well, asking you what you were wearing to the beach. That was a totally lame thing to say and I’m not that kind of a guy and I was kicking myself all the rest of the night over it.”

“I don’t think I even thought about it for more than like, two seconds” I said, looking up at some seagulls flying overhead.

“But your face, you looked like you were utterly creeped out.”

“Well,” I looked right at him, “I figured you’d had a few glasses of wine and guys say stupid things when they’ve had a few,” I said. “Believe me, I’ve heard it all.”

“I’m sure you have” he said. He leaned in for an awkward hug. I kind of patted his back like he was a little boy and I swear he smelled my shoulder. I stepped back, wiping off his breath. Then he turned around and left. I bit my bottom lip and laughed. He was so weird.

Then I turned to pick up my towel from the sand, but stopped when I saw someone on the beach walking towards me and I totally froze. My heart started to pound rapidly, it was like everything I had imagined this morning, at least the first part, was coming true.

Jake looked exactly how I had pictured…shirt off, holding his board, and I could barely breath with excitement and sorrow. He looked angry. I wanted to run towards him and just hold him but I knew I couldn’t. And damn it he shouldn’t be here because there was no way I was ever, ever going to get over him if he kept coming to me. I watched him walk slowly towards me, then he stopped right in front of me. He threw his board down on the sand, his eyes blazing. I was a little taken back. He said, “How many boyfriends do you need, Odette?”

I was confused. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m gong to tell Chris. I’m going to tell him that now you are fucking some nerd at the beach.”

I was horrified, then I suddenly realized he was talking about Evan. He must have seen us talking then that ridiculous hug at the end. “What are you talking about?” I laughed. “That’s crazy.” He didn’t flinch. He still looked furious and I realized he really and truly thought that I was messing around with Evan.

Then it was my turn to be angry. All the emotions that I had been suppressing came crashing into my chest. I stepped forward like I was going to tackle him or something and said clearly, “I’m not doing anything wrong. I can actually do whatever I want. Chris and I are separated and you and I…” I put my hand on my heart, “are nothing. We are nothing. So why are you here yelling at me? You have no right to even talk to me.”

He rubbed his nose and looked up at me. I was probably shaking with anger. Then his face softened and he looked so conflicted. As he looked right at my eyes I realized he was probably going to kiss me and I could have turned and walked off and ended it right there. But I let him take my arm and pull me in. I seemed to fit perfectly against this chest with his arms wrapped around me. I kissed him back and suddenly dissolved into crying over him, I didn’t want to let him go. He pulled away and looked at my tears then smoothed my hair back out of my face. He looked really happy. Then he hugged me again and I saw Evan out of the corner of my eye, watching from Luna’s porch. This was no good. Chris didn’t need to find out about this and Evan was not a person to be trusted. I didn’t want to ever leave Jake’s arms but I pulled away from him and picked up my sandy towel. I shook it on his feet to piss him off then walked off. I needed Chris, not this.

He said, “Odette, don’t….don’t go.”

He pretty much ripped my heart out right then on the beach. All I wanted to do was run back to him and tell him it was OK and that I needed him to be truly happy. But instead I grasped onto doing what was right and screamed at him to go. I don’t remember what I said but the words came tumbling out of my mouth then he picked up his board and was gone.

I just ran to the porch, and as I was about to brush past Evan, (who was gaping at me), and throw open the sliding doors to go inside, I turned to see Jake heading into the huge waves with his board.

Bad Morning

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“Did you read about Kristen Stewart and that director?” I said as we headed to the kitchen.

“Who is Kristen Steward?” he said.

“Oh come on, Twilight?”

“Is she that vampire actress? One of the many?”

“Did you read about how she cheated on her boyfriend with a married director?”

“I don’t keep up with that stuff. I read about sports.”

“Hm.”

As I went to open the fridge he intercepted my hand, pulled me in and wrapped his arms around me.

“Did you really ask me to come over to look in your fridge?” he said. He pushed some hair behind my ear and smiled.

“Yes, actually. I’m really worried about Zoe and everything I read was conflicting and I thought, you know, with your Nutrition major, that you could help…remember?”

“We have all morning though, right?” he said, eyeing the guest room from the open kitchen.

“Well, there is a chance that Chris could come home and he is very stealth on his bike.”

“Why would he come home?”

“I don’t know. He just does sometimes.”

Jake furrowed his brow. He stepped back from me. “I’m gonna go then.”

“But you said you were going to do this.”

“Not if I’m going to get my ass kicked in the process.”

“Can you just look in the fridge really fast and tell me what is good for Zoe and what isn’t?”

He shook his head and ran his hands through his hair with frustration. Then he yanked open the fridge door and said, “OK, let’s see what you are doing to this kid.”

He took out the milk. “This has casein in it. You don’t want to give her cows milk, organic or not. You should give her almond milk.” He slammed it back in the fridge door. I jumped a little. Then he took out the organic apple juice. “This is like drinking sugar. All the nutrients are lost in the juicing process. Sugar feeds candida…bad for spectrum kids.  Just give her water.” He stuck that back in the fridge with a thunk and took out some cheese from the dairy drawer. “This has casein in it and it isn’t organic. Dairy doesn’t leave the body for two weeks. Get rid of this.”

He stuck the cheese back in then took out some eggs. “Not organic.” He shook his head, then stuck them back in and slammed the dairy drawer shut. I was starting to get angry.

He took out some blueberries. “Not organic again.” He said. “You are pretty much feeding her poison. Don’t even give her berries if they are not organic. Spectrum kids can’t shed toxins as well as the rest of us. Feeding her pesticides is a terrible idea.”

“But I wash them” I said, but he cut me off with,”Doesn’t matter. The pesticides seep into the berries.” He slammed them back into the fridge.

I thought about asking him to leave but i realized that I was both a little afraid to and also quite astonished at his knowledge.

He grabbed some tofu. “This is nasty,” he said. “A major allergen. If you must give her soy it has to be organic. Same thing with these potatoes. Don’t ever buy potatoes or even potato chips that are not organic. They are the number one thing that are soaked with pesticides.” He tossed the potatoes back in the crisper bin, closed the fridge and yanked open the freezer. He took out some popsicles. “These are full of artificial color, which is so bad for kids it is banned in all civilized countries except for the United States.” Then he tossed them back in and slammed the freezer door shut.

I didn’t know weather to thank him or tell him to get the hell out.

“Is that what you wanted?” he said, then he tried to grab my hand. I yanked it away and stared at him angrily. “

“Why did you have to be so rude about it?”

Then he simply turned and left, banging the screen door behind him. I walked over to the window and watched him breeze down the path, out of the gate and off behind the trees lining the sidewalk.

I sank down on the couch and buried my head in my hands, tears spilling through them. My brain scanned his sudden change in demeanor, my slight fear of having him in the house, how terrible the food is that I am feeding Zoe. This was too much. He was too much.

GFCF? Jake Will Know

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I got the diagnosis on the phone earlier that day, high functoning autism, and I had been on the computer ever since.

Autism, therapy, spectrum, reversable, irreversable, life long, curable, no cure, caused by shots, nothing to do with shots…it was dizzying. I read about how a stomach is a second brain and eating the right foods and cutting out the wrong foods can make amazing changes.

I sat there and looked at the screen. Gluten free, casein free diet…wasn’t Miley Cirus gluten free? Wasn’t that because she had celiac disease? Why do this diet if  Zoe didn’t have anything wrong with her stomach? Then I read that gluten can be an “intolerance” and wouldn’t be detected as an allergy when tested. It all seemed like grasping at straws. It was so much to sift through. I wondered where the truth was. I wished I could just press a button to highlight all the parts that were right so I could delete the wrong information and know what to do.

Jake was a health and nutrition major. Perhaps he knew what I should do. I suddenly really wanted to talk to him really badly. It was late, 11pm. Zoe was asleep and Chris was asleep on the couch. He had fallen asleep there watching TV while I was on the computer in our bedroom.

I had never wanted to se Jake so badly. I stood up and looked at Chris on the couch. I looked at the front door. Chris let out a loud snore. I quietly took a front door key from a hook next to the door and opened the door. I shut it very gently and locked it quietly. I stood outside and listened. The crickets were chirping. I could hear Chris still snoring inside. I looked up and the sky was almost purple with clouds floating by all lit up by the moonlight. What was I going to do now, just walk down the street to Jake’s house and knock on the door?  Hadn’t he had enough of my baggage today with me telling him about my sister dying? Now I was going to go and tell him my daughter had autism? I was going to completely scare him off.  But he was a health and nutrition major, which meant he was learning all the new cutting edge information about what Zoe should and shouldn’t be eating. If the stomach really was like a second brain, he would probably be studying that too.

I walked down the three steps and the pathway to my front gate at the sidewalk and looked at where Jake and I had sat that morning. He had walked away when things got too heavy. Why was I going to lay more on him now? Was this some kind of a test? Was I trying to get rid of him? I walked down the street. The college students were in their houses, lights on with music coming from them. I got closer to Jake’s house. His living room light was on behind the partially closed curtains but his yard was dark. There was his hammock. I smiled. Then I walked up to the front door and stood there. I could hear the TV and guys voices. His roommates were in there. I got nervous. What would they think if I was at the door? What if Jake wasn’t there and I just knocked on the door of the house of some college students that I didn’t know?

I took a breath and knocked. I heard someone say, “Is that the door?”A second later someone opened the door. He had red hair and bright blue eyes. He looked at me in utter amazement. I flushed. But I didn’t have to say anything.

“Jake!” He yelled through the house. “Hot mom is here!”

I looked out at the yard. An escape route. I could just walk away right now. When I looked back at the door Jake was walking up and there was a girl behind him. Of course he was with a girl. I was so stupid. I started to stammer that I could go but the girl turned and hugged Jake, “bye!” she said, giving him some weird knowing smile.

Then she brushed past me, but not too quickly to give me a wink and off she went to her car parked in the yard. I looked at Chris.

“This is a nice surprise” he said, grabbing my elbow and leading me off to his room.

“I’m just here to talk” I said.

He shut the door and we sat on his bed.

“I have a question”

“What’s up?”

“Well, you are a health and nutrition major right?”

He held up a text book that a picture of two pears on the front and it said, ‘Nutirition, Concepts and Controversies’.

“Perfect” I smiled.

“What do you need to know?”

“Well, my little one has autism and I have been reading how food affects kids with autism and I was wondering if you know anything about that because I don’t know anything about it.”

He smiled. “I can help you with that. Listen, tomorrow morning, why don’t I come over and look in your fridge. I can tell you what she should eat and what she shouldn’t eat and why.”

“Ok. That sounds good. I’m gonna go now.”

“Now? Don’t you want to stay for a little while?”

“I can’t.”

I jumped up to go but before I could grab the door handle he wrapped his arms around me.

I shook my head. “I can’t do this.”

“Not one kiss?”

“Um,” before I could say yes or no he kissed me and I let him. Then I slipped out of his grasp and grabbed the door handle. He grinned at me and my heart started to thump so I turned the handle quickly and hurried out of his room. He walked after me to the door and I opened it and looked around his living room. There were two guys on the couch playing video games but they were not looking at the screen. They were both staring at me.

“Um, bye” I said. “Thanks Chris for that information.”

“Anytime” he smiled.

I slipped out of the door and shut it behind me. The crickets chirped and my heart pounded just as loud. I hurried through his yard then started to jog down the street to my house and stopped at my front door. I listened. I didn’t hear snoring. I stood outside for a few minutes until I started to get a chill from the breeze blowing on my sweat. Then I reached to get my key out of my pocket. It wasn’t there. I checked my other pocket. Not there either. I turned and looked back down the street. Perhaps it fell out of my pocket when I was jogging.  Suddenly the door opened and Chris was standing there.

“What are you dong out here?” he said. “I heard someone out here. I thought you were in bed.” He had a baseball bat in his hand.

“I went for a walk.”

“Why are you just standing out here?”

“Look at the sky” I said. “It is beautiful.” We looked up and the clouds had a silver lining from the moon behind them. The trees were black silhouettes against the glowing clouds.”

“Are you coming in now?” he said.

“OK.” I walked inside and wondered if I smelled like Jake’s cologne. “I am going to take a shower” I said and hurried off to the bathroom. Why did I let him kiss me again? OK, that was the last time. Never again. And when I saw him tomorrow, it was going to be strictly plutonic.

Momentary Bliss – by: Odette

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Monday Morning

Distraction rustles in a breeze that takes my eyes from her golden leaves.

Shattering and shivers under covers, dark like a  tent,

Under salty droplets and shimmering beads.

Papers rustle at my feet, a surprise and I brush them off the bed with my toes.

They float down as though time doesn’t affect them.

Freedom whispers in my ear that happiness is near,

And the papers settle to the ground as I pull a strand of my long, light hair from his prickly chin.

Club Jake

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(Scroll to the bottom to see the super-cute outfit.)

Jake didn’t blow me off. He came up and talked to me at the bar while Lisa was off dancing with her super cute (in the girliest way possible) friend, Bobby. I was drinking a Gin and Tanqueray and Jake was holding a glass of some sort of draft beer.

He smelled so good and he was wearing his crisp white T-shirt that hung so nicely over his chest. I smiled to myself remembering what he looked like without that shirt on. There was a very pretty girl with long, silky dark brown hair looking at him/us a few bar stools away. I wasn’t the only one who thought he was gorgeous. Normally I would have been totally intimidated by her. But as this was my second g&t of the night, I was confident enough to cut my eyes at her then settle in to chat with Jake Nead.

“Hi” he said. He had to lean right into my ear so I could hear him over the music.
“Hi” I said. I sipped on my straw, my heart pounding.
“I’ve been thinking about you all week.”
“It has been a crazy week,” I said.
“Yeah for me too. I have a question that has been bugging me. I’m just going to come right out and ask it.” I looked up at his eyes. I knew what he was going to ask.

He said, “You are on the pill, right?”

“Yes, of course,” I lied. I was suddenly embarrassed about everything between us. This was so out of control. I stepped away from him and looked for Lisa on the dance floor.
“Do you even know how amazing you are?” he said.
“ I think I am out of my ever-loving mind,” I murmured into my drink.
“What?”

That is when Lisa came up with Bobby. “Are you going to dance?!” she yelled in my ear.
“In a minute.”
“Who’s this?”
“He works with Chris” I said. Lie number two in 2 minutes. I was going to have to keep track of these.
“He likes you” she said in my ear. God she was observant.
“Let’s go dance” I said. So I left Jake there as Lisa and I went to completely let loose on the dance floor. We were glowing gold from the lanterns and Bobby was making me laugh so hard with his remarkable and wonderfully-silly dance moves.
My troubles were stripped by the loud music engulfing us until I looked up to see Jake looking at me from the bar with that intense gaze of his. What was I going to do with him? I knew what I wanted to do, so badly, so I told Lisa it was time to go.

She was really nice about it and we headed out to her car. I looked behind me as we left and Jake was just starting to talk to the pretty brown-haired girl at the bar. I almost turned around to go back and get rid of her. But Lisa is way too intuitive for me to get away with doing something like that. Oh the interrogation that would have followed. So I kept walking out of the club and internally scolded myself for being so unjustly and weirdly jealous.

So it was an interesting Saturday. If only, IF ONLY, I could stop thinking about Jake. But you know, I haven’t cried about missing Meliah since last Monday.

p.s. I wore this dress, this bracelet and these shoes, all from my fav store, Anthropologie.

Odette

July 12, 2012

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Odette

July 5, 2012

I mostly just hung out with Zoe as the fireworks exploded all around our heads. She did well with the noise-cancelling headphones on and sat in my lap and played with my phone.

Since the show was on campus there were a lot of students there and I found myself scanning the place for Jake.  I thought I saw him a few times from the back, then the side. But it wasn’t him. I slurped on watermelon and munched on a cheese and tomato sandwich that I shared with Zoe and we simply sat quietly on the new red and white gingham cloth. Chris had a really good time talking with his friends. His bandmates were there and they were all attracting attention from some of the students who know some of their songs that made the charts 10 years ago when he was only a teenager. Chris loves that. We packed up the stroller quickly when it started drizzling and the fireworks abruptly stopped.

I suppose I enjoyed my quiet-loud time with Zoe. She even pointed at the fireworks. I think she was mimicking my pointing, but still, she pointed and I read that kids with Autism don’t point. I was a little melancholy, but lovin on my beautiful baby girl. Tomorrow will be a year since we lost Meliah. My heart just aches for her. Everything seems like it is in slow motion…like one of those dreams where you can’t run fast no matter how hard you try. I will just get through tomorrow by trying not to think about it.

Today I am not going to do much because I don’t feel like. it. Maybe I will take an Ativan to give my heartache a four-hour rest break. Chris will be working at the music shop all day. I’m supposed to write some “peppy” marketing stuff for a social media website.

A Temporary Dream Come True – by: Odette

It is Saturday morning, about 5am.  I couldn’t sleep…so I’ll write. Then maybe I’ll be able to sleep. I had a really good reason for cheating on my husband 2 days ago, beginning with getting hit on the head with a stick by the guy I cheated with.  The college student was actually playing catch with his dog and I got in the way or he didn’t see me. I was looking at the trees. They were glinting with a golden light from the sun setting behind them and I was thinking about my sister, Meliah. She used to pull back her soft, dark blonde curls in a low ponytail. She was getting a few wrinkles around her mouth and laugh lines by her hazel eyes. This time last year, only a few days before her accident, Meliah and I went on a walk together down my street. She was excited with her pregnancy and we slowly walked past all the college kid’s houses and I told her how strange it was to be the mom with the little one and the husband on the college party street. We brought her dog, Lika on our walk, and now as I pictured her laughing and grumping about her work, tugging Lika back on her hot pink leash, I was aching for her. I looked carefully at the golden trees, wondering if she was somehow a part of them, then I heard a dog bark. My heart flipped as it sounded exactly like Lika. Then I felt the whack on my head. It is pretty crazy what happened next but I have to tell you this person was the kind of good looking that you see in magazines or in movies. The kind that you don’t even think exists outside of grocery-store tabloid pics.  His name is Jake and he seems to have some sort of a crush me. I know it sounds crazy and I don’t know why he does. I’m probably some sick bet with his friends, the mom down the street. I don’t know. I won’t say exactly what happened, except that it wasn’t much…but it was something and I’m totally excited and utterly horrified at the same time. I’m not sure how to handle it, but to feel something besides pain and anxiety in my heart is like a dream come true…a temporary one. I should probably write what happened…but the little one is waking up right now. But I will.