cheating, grief

Going Inside

So yesterday after my morning bike ride I was talking to Jake and I was feeling really good about being there with him. My anxiety had melted away and now instead of my heart feeling like it had a hand squeezing it…now it was pounding with happiness and I was so relieved to be feeling that again.

I said, “What is the deal with this hammock? You have been out there every day.”
He grinned. “It is great for studying.”
“What are you studying?”

He said, “Come see.”

I walked over to his hammock and he picked up the book, “Siddhartha” from the ground. He sat on the hammock and patted it. I sat down next to him. It was a little awkward and I had to secure my feet on the ground so I didn’t tip into him. “Oh yeah, I read that.” I said.

“You did? What did you think?”

“It was good.”

“Yeah I like it too.”

We sat there quietly. All this build up to see each other again and I didn’t know what to say to him.

“What do you study in school?” I said.

“Health and Nutrition.”

“Oh, OK. ” That explained a lot. We sat there nervously and when I looked up at him his eyes were shining and he was grinning. It made me want to laugh with excitement and embarrassment.

“I can’t even tell you how good it is to see you.” he said and he gathered up my hand in his. His hand was very warm and I pulled my hand away and stood up. I imagined Chris driving down the street for some random reason at that very moment.

“Come inside” he said earnestly.

I looked up at his door, at the beer bottle Christmas lights strung across it. I knew what would happen if I went in there and my heart started to pound. Why was is so much easier to let myself feel something for Jake than for Chris? Why did I feel like I would be doing something wrong to my sister by being with my husband….but it would be OK to  find pleasure in Jake?  Maybe it was because my sister’s husband no longer had her, so my husband should no longer have me.  Maybe it was because Jake barely seemed real. He seemed like a fairytale I was stumbling into, an escape. Maybe because if I found happiness in Jake I was actually, truly sabotaging my own happiness, that I didn’t’ deserve, because she was robbed of her chance of future happiness.

To me, Jake’s house is like the different planet at the end of my street.  I knew yesterday it would be the wrong thing to do, to go inside, but it was my wrong choice to make.  As he stood up from the hammock and again took my hand in his and lead me towards his black front door, I found myself walking with him, not protesting at all, breathing happily and the happiness was so exhilarating, so missed, that there was absolutely no turning back from here.

Tomorrow is also Zoe’s autism evaluation but they won’t even talk to me about the results until next week.