“Do you still like me?” I asked Chris.
“Do we have to do this?” he said.
I pretended I didn’t hear that and moved on. “Because I still like you.” I said. “And I miss you.”
He turned his head from his online soccer video game and looked at me. I think the other team scored a goal.
“What do you mean?” He said.
“I was thinking about when we used to always go out to Point Reyes and go for hikes and go camping in the Redwoods. It was so fun. Do you remember?”
“Um, yeah” he said and started playing his video game again.
I didn’t have much time left. My act of infidelity had been about a week ago. Even if Chris and I were together tonight, a ten-week ultrasound would show discrepancies.
I decided to leave subtly alone. We were too far gone for him to get any hints. “I’m going to bed early tonight, wanna come?”
“Why?” he said. I think he was genuinely confused.
“So we can hang out.”
“What do you want to talk about?” He said.
“Maybe, Chris, just maybe I don’t want to talk.”
He stopped playing his video game again then reached for the remote and turned the TV off. I tried to think if I had ever seen him do that before.
“Is this some kind of a joke?” he said.
“If you keep being so negative about everything then maybe it is.”
“You are dangling carrots and oh so ready to whip them away.”
“I’m not…going to, um, whip anything away.”
He smiled. I suddenly remembered that smile. It was gorgeous. It made my heart flutter a little. Zoe was asleep. We had the whole house to ourselves. I couldn’t help but entertain the thought that if I never cheated on him then this little step forward in our marriage wouldn’t be happening right now.
Meliah flashed into my head but I pushed her out of my head. Not now. I needed this, I couldn’t let grief take even more away from our family than it already had.
Related post: https://ungratefulbliss.com/page/2/