I ran over to the stadium to try and shed the stress from my confusing morning. I walked in the large, black open gates, then ran all the way up the silver bleachers to the top, hoping I wouldn’t randomly faint and fall to my death. Then as I sat at the very top, completely alone in that enormous stadium, I clutched the silver bench and I decided not to be sad. I decided that I was going to make mistakes and be who I want to be. Perhaps I am wrong and perhaps I will have regrets, but these are my mistakes to make and at least I won’t be perfect, because being happy has nothing to do with being perfect.
I decided it would be OK to clear things up with Jake. He is like an ocean that washes away my grief. He is a distraction that keeps me from having to take addictive happy pills / beta blockers. I don’t want to loose that by trying to do the right thing. I want to enjoy him and let the fear go. I want to be the villain because it feels good.
As I ran back to the house I turned onto our street and there was Jake with his dog, Milo and his red-headed roommate. They were playing Frisbee in the road. Our neighborhood is so quiet in the summer. He caught my gaze as he tossed the frisbee to his roommate and I slowed to a walk and looked back at him. He looked concerned. My heart ached and even though I was drenched in sweat I wanted to go and see him and talk to him and tell him I felt awful about this morning. I stopped on the sidewalk in front of my house and he stopped playing frisbee and stared back at me. It made my heart flip in a good way. He wasn’t ignoring me. He was sad too. Then I heard Chris call from the house, “Odette? What are you doing?”
I just wanted to run to Jake but I opened the gate, walked down our path and into the front door and I shut it. The air conditioning felt good and the house smelled like dinner cooking.
“What were you doing out there?” Chris said as he drained the steaming, organic broccoli into the sink…the broccoli that I had bought earlier from the health food store along with almond milk and preservative-free lunch meat.
“I was looking at the pretty Golden lab.” I said.
“We are not getting a dog.” he said.