The beach has been amazing. I’ve met some girls who are helping me learn to surf. Zoe is so happy, chasing seagulls all over the sand. I have tried to get her interested in collecting shells with me, but she just wants to fly with the birds. Who doesn’t?
I have been thinking about you, thinking about our last night together before you left. It was blissful to feel like that again in your arms. It was like, everything was going to be OK. I dreamed all night that our little family was together again.
But the morning hit me, you were going away again. The touring was so much fun when I could come too. But now that I am staying home with Zoe, it is hard to figure out who I am. I used to be a part of the band, the family…your amazing life. Now I am on the sidelines. I love Zoe more than myself, more than anything on the planet and I cry everyday looking at how beautiful she is. Even if things go wrong between us, we will know we always did one thing right, and that is Zoe. But I still lost myself when our baby separated me from your band. Am I feeling sorry for myself again? Am I being a 17-year-old fucking prom queen again by saying that?
She is so happy here and Luna loves to take her to music classes and to the library story time. She has speech 3 times a week and ABA 2 times a week. She is doing amazingly well. I get my work done quickly here…something about the soft light coming through the chiffon curtains, helps me focus. And then I have time to enjoy the beach and plan meals. It is glorious. I have been so happy…except for you didn’t write for days…or text me back. It was starting to hurt my heart. The only reason I knew you were alive is because of your band updates on your Facebook Page. And then when I saw your email in my inbox this afternoon, I was so happy. But when I read through it, my heart just sank. I came here to heal and your email tore me apart again. I suppose the betrayel started to fester. But you don’t feel like that when you are with me. Things are good when we are together. I thought we were going to both heal with this separation but I am starting to think it is bad for us.
Luna has parties all the time and I think of you when tons of people are over. I think about how much easier it would be to sit outside on the sand if I were on your lap, you were braiding my hair and doing all the talking so all I had to do was enjoy and laugh my ass off all night.
But instead, I am here with her weird guys she invites over, and I say and do the wrong things without my filter (you) here. Yes, Jake texts me. He knows he is not supposed to, but what do you want me to do, change my number? I haven’t answered any and I don’t have any control over his actions. I don’t know why you care. You obviously find me to be exceedingly frustrating. You say you love me and need me but honestly I don’t know if I believe that.
Jake wants to come and see me. I figured I would just ignore his text like usual. But your email makes me wonder if I should see our separation though and do what I want. You can too. Do whatever makes you happy, because I am starting to realize that I can never make you happy.
I don’t like to be chastised. I’m glad you saved your rant for the bus because you know I can’t stand that kind of stuff.
Part of me wants to get on a flight and come to you and fix our relationship and get us back to where we need to be and where we could be. But the other part feels like all I would step off the plane to would be heartbreak and expectations I can no longer live up to.
So just go, have your fun, forget about me like I know you want to. I will see you in month and we can re-evaluate then.
p.s. I turned away to walk to the house quickly so you wouldn’t see my tears..because I was already missing you…asshole.