It is early morning here in California and I have yet to go to bed. I stayed up waiting for your call and am finding your email a poor substitute.
You are an amazing Mother, Odette. You should feel so proud that you were able to sort out therapy and classes and a life for Zoe so quickly at the beach. I would love to see a video of her chasing the seagulls. Becoming a parent is so hard and I agree that one of the hardest parts is losing a part of ones self. I so vividly remember when the pediatricians office called to make her first appointment and the receptionist asked if I was “Zoe’s Dad”. I had no idea who she was talking about. Was that me? It struck me then and continues to amaze me that I am actually in charge of a human being. I have always had empathy for your staying home with Zoe while I was out working at the record store, or (like now) on tour, or just out. That’s why I always encouraged you to go dancing with your friends, or join a book club or get a part-time job that didn’t involve writing; living so much in your own head. It is not easy for me either. There are times when I would rather go out with Dave and the guys and drink beers and stare at pretty girls and be a different kind of 29. One who doesn’t have a mortgage and a wife and a precious baby girl who is different in ways that are both breathtaking and devastating. It doesn’t make you selfish to want something more. What makes you pitiful is the way you just don’t give a damn about your actions.
I have thought a lot about infidelity while on the road. Now that I am away from the immediacy of it all, I finally have time to process the affair. So many of our friends find marriage to be old-fashion and unnecessary even. I used to listen to their anthems praising this new and modern life and felt sort of sorry for them. To me, the best part of marriage is that you become a team. Us against the world and even on my worst day, I would be comforted by just knowing that my other half was on my side and had my back no matter what. When you invited Jake into our proverbial bed you destroyed all of that. And you didn’t even say you were sorry. That’s what kills me the most Odette, the fact that you had the affair and yet somehow feel like you are the victim in all of this. Seriously, what is wrong with you?
Did I ask you about Jake texting you? Why the fuck do you think I want to hear about him? I am not your girlfriend and we are definitely not at a fucking slumber party giggling over “boy problems”. It hurts me to even think about him and it destroys me to have you casually drop his name as if he is an old friend and not the asshole who destroyed my marriage. You don’t like to be chastised Odette? Well, guess what, I didn’t like you fucking another man. I hate that you called him on the phone when I was sitting right next to you. I definitely didn’t like running into you at a truck stop on your way home from a romantic weekend and I don’t like being told how I feel. If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t care so much. Maybe you need to figure out if you really love me. I too was waiting ten days for a call from you that never came. You betrayed me. You asked for a separation. You were never home when I called to speak to Zoe. Maybe I needed some reassurance from you Odette.
I don’t want to forget about you and I certainly am not having any fun on the road while my whole world is falling apart. That’s why I am coming home. I am going to finish out the weekend shows and then fly to Florida on Tuesday. I would like for us to talk. I don’t want to hear the gory details but I do want to figure out why you broke your marriage vows and figure out what the future might hold. I am not giving up on us Odette. I hope you haven’t.
I would have liked to see you cry.