Convincing Myself

I guess this is why you don’t get into these things. It seems so easy and excusable at first, a glimmer in a dull heart is impossible not to follow. But it is more impossible to get out of tangled logic and emotion without ripping everything to shreds. Now that I’m doing what I’m supposed to, nothing shines anymore. My solution… Waiting it out. Life has moments of joy waiting for me, just as pain attaches itself to small things. So I choose the big picture…the less devastating one. The one that keeps me closest to my daughter. Shame on me for complaining but I mourn the light as I let it go out. My terror? I can’t call Meliah when my heart aches for her. But I can call him, see him, hold him. How utterly wasteful not to. Oh well.

You never know what is going to happen, what could happen. Perhaps if she hadn’t have died that day, I would have been on the road that night instead of crying on the bathroom floor. Maybe I would have died then, or Zoe. It’s possible. I don’t believe in meant-to-be. I believe in randomness.

So I just have to nudge my future in the direction of least pain and hope nothing throws me for a loop. I read that life is the good parts between tragedies. I guess this is the good part, as long as I don’t create my own tragedies, right?

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