After putting away a few of Zoe’s blocks I just went in my room, lay down in my bed and fell asleep, screw responsibility.
I woke up hearing my bedroom door banging open. My sheets were pulled off my head and I looked up to see Luna peering down at me with knitted eyebrows. “I thought you were going to clean up” she said.
I sat up and looked around my room. The clock read 8:15 pm. I’d been asleep for 45 minutes. There were boxes of bandaids and gause and tape scattered on the bed, a wet towel on the floor. My sheets still had streaks of blood on them and tons of sand. I rubbed my eyes then lay back down and pulled them up over my head again. I heard her walking out and the door slamming. I squeezed my eyes shut. When Luna reappeard she was holding a pill bottle. “Here,” she said, “take one of these.”
I sat up bunching the sheets around my lap and she handed me an Ativan and a big glass of water.
“I really don’t like to take these unless it’s an emergency.”
“I think it is an emergency right now” she said. I took my beta blocker and drank the whole glass of water while she sat on my bed.
“Chris is out there with Zoe” she said. “He wanted to come in to see you but I asked him to wait a few minutes. He didn’t understand what was going on, but that guy, he has the patience of a saint. You are very lucky to have him Odette.”
“Yes I know. If only he were so lucky” I said.
She was quiet.
“Why are you doing this to him, and to yourself?” she said.
“I don’t know,” I said, brushing some sand from the sheet onto the floor.
“Do you feel remorse?” she said. “I’m not judging, just curious.”
“I don’t feel anything,” I said, looking up at her. “I’m just tired.” I felt a tear slipping wet down my face, I didn’t even know where it came from. She looked concerned and confused.
I licked the the tear that had now dripped from my nose to my lip. “I do know that I don’t want Chris to leave me. But I don’t feel guilty about anything that I’ve been doing. I suppose I don’t think I’ve hurt anyone.”
“Why do you think this isn’t hurting anyone? You are hurting everyone, including yourself.”
“I’m having fun” I said.
“This isn’t fun.”
“I don’t have much time left,” I said, surprising myself.
“What do mean? Are you going somewhere?”
“Well, I’m probably going to die soon.”
Luna sat there, obviously trying to figure out how to respond to this crazy declaration. She said, “Yeah, maybe. But it is more likely that you won’t. You still have to take care of your future, just incase. You don’t want to be left old and lonely because right now you are hurting loved ones by trying to cram too much life into too short a time.”
“Soon I’m going to be older than her.”
“Good. You want to be older than her. She would want you to keep going. It’s awful what happened to Meliah and her baby but she would not want it to mess you up like this. You have to get yourself together, if not for yourself, than for her.”
“I know,” I whispered.
“Go sit on that chair right there while I change the sheets” Luna said.
I slowly got out of bed and sat on the arm-chair she pointed to, curling my legs under and sitting on my feet and some of her material. I watched silently as she smoothed fresh, clean linens over the mattress, then came back with the vaccuum and sucked up all the sand from the wooden floor. She put all the wrappers and boxes in a Publix plastic bag, turned on a small lamp with a beaded shade on the bedside table, and the room looked lovely again.
“Are you coming out, or do you want me to send Chris in here?” she said.
“I’ll come out.” I said. “I want to see Zoe too before she goes to bed. Can you just give me a couple of minutes to put on some fresh clothes and some makeup?”
“OK honey.” She left and shut the door softly. I could hear Chris’s voice in the hallway. “Is she OK? I don’t get it.”
I dragged the chair over to the dresser and looked at myself in the mirror. My eyes were puffy. I looked like I had the flu. I didn’t feel guilty but I could barely sit up. The thought that if he knew what I did today, that he would most definitely leave me, made the room spin. I had to hold on to the dresser while I caught my breath. And now even my hair looked limp with split ends. This salty air and sun were wreaking havoc on it. I took out my curling iron, waited with my head on the dresser while it heated up, then slowly curled the ends. I could feel the Ativan working and the knot in my chest starting to relax. Things were going to be OK. I was going to see Chris in a second and that reality was finally starting to feel like a good thing. Now all I needed was some lipstick, maybe some dark red in this low light, and I would go out there with confidence. I pulled on a very short, black, flowy mini skirt with shorts built in and a fitted, black, cable-kint sweater. I slipped my feet into glittering black wedge flip-flops, fastened my bangs out of my face with a small black flower-clip and looked in the mirror again. My hair looked better now. I felt a little bit happy, gosh that Ativan worked frighteningly well. I took a deep breath, glued on a bright smile and went out to tell my husband, welcome to the beach!