I didn’t go and see Chris and the guys play. I stayed at home and built block towns with Zoe for hours, before putting her to bed. Then I watched “Friday Night Lights” and drank a milkshake with Luna. Sometimes I would randomly cry and Luna would rub my back and then the show would distract me and I was able to get through those hours I was supposed to be having fun with Chris.
I eventually went to bed after 5 episodes, and stared at the ceiling for a while. I thought about Jake being here yesterday morning and even though it cost me a lot, it was a memory I would go back to every time I was miserable. I thought about lying in his arms and how he made me laugh and his amazing green eyes. It was so nice to be around him when he was happy without trying to be tough or mean. Jake with no walls was like sitting inside of a movie screen on the other side of reality. He was incredible to touch and to talk to. Each time he smiled because of me I felt a sense of accomplishment.
But then I remembered how confused he was when I told him he had to leave. It was almost invigorating to have something amazing then shoot it down and watch his disbelief. But I had no choice. And he just didn’t get that family is more important to hold on to than a few fleeting moments of perfection that we could probably never get back again anyway. Only forbidden moments could be so bitter-sweet and memorable. The difference between us now though was that when I got rid of him, everything he thought about and loved about me was stripped, so maybe he was hurt, but he would only mourn the person he thought I was. I knew he would be glad to be rid of the person who almost gleefully threw him out of her life.
But I was left with missing him and with loosing Chris.
Winter in Florida is a wonderful thing. I was going to get through this with Zoe. We were going to be fine.