We were gone for hours at the beach, just sitting in his truck, talking. I had never had such in-depth conversations with Jake before, we were too busy doing other things. But this time we got so caught up in each other’s stories. I laughed till I cried as he spoke animatedly about his friends and when he was the star-quarterback of his high school football team, when he would keep sketch pads in his locker, never letting anyone know he was an artist but secretly distributing comics of his teachers that left them fuming. Then he went through a long list of all the stupid things he did while skateboarding as a kid while I almost peed in my pants laughing, and I told him that it was amazing he was still alive after all that stuff. We were both slightly stunned at the time when my phone buzzed at me. It was Luna. She simply texted, “lost?”
When we pulled up to the house and parked out on the quiet dark street with the wind blowing through the palm trees he said, “I can’t believe we are back here again. Things are so different now.”
“It was good talking to you Jake,”
“Yeah” he said. “And now we are going to go back to being strangers.”
“Never strangers,” I said, feeling a little upset. Why was he always so dramatic about our goodbyes?”
He looked over at me, looking at me in that intense way that he does, like he was going to kiss me. My eyes widened and I shook my head, no, at him.
He got out of the truck and slammed his door, leaving me behind, breathless. Then when he got to the house he seemed to realize that he couldn’t walk in first. So he stood impatiently, shifting around with his hands in the pockets of his baggy shorts, as I walked deliberately slowly to go and unlock the front door. I hesitated, holding the key as the trees blew about in the sky with the moon shining high. I didn’t want this moment to end. When I opened the door I would be giving him back to her. I looked at him, and he read my thoughts. He took my hand, whispered, “goodbye” and kissed my forehead.
Luna and Rissa were chatting in the kitchen when Jake and I walked in, silencing their conversation. I tossed his keys onto the coffee table “He’s all yours, Rissa,” I said and hurried off to my room. I shut my door, sat on my bed and checked Facebook on my phone to see the updates for Chris’s band page. It looked like it was a great show but everyone was disappointed that there was no encore. I checked my emails but there was nothing from Chris. I sat there and stared at my phone with dismay, then lay back on my bed with my arms above my head holding my phone. Was I just going to get the total silent treatment from him from now on? Then I hopped up and threw open my window to let the cold ocean breeze come in. It blasted against my face and felt amazing. Tomorrow Chris was going to be well on his way to Virginia. Shoot, perhaps they even left tonight after the show. I looked at my phone again that I was carrying around as though it were attached to my skin, and I couldn’t help myself. I knew he didn’t want to hear from me but he was my husband damn it, he was going to have to deal with me whether he liked it or not.
I called his number and listened to it go to his voicemail and when it beeped I said, “I just wanted to say goodnight. I’m sorry I missed your show but I figured if you didn’t want me there and that I should stay away and not be a some kind of bad distraction. But I wanted to say how much I love you and already miss you and that I’m really sad that we are so torn apart right now. I can’t function like this either. All I can think about is you and our amazing marriage and how if it is all gone because of my mistakes, then, I will live regretting it for the rest of my life.” I started to cry. “Please think of me well on tour. I will be the best wife to you while you are gone and I will take care of our baby girl and I will miss you. Just please come back to me.”
I pressed ‘end’ and looked at my phone with tears streaming down my face. Would this make a difference to him or was the wall already up? What would he think if he knew I was drinking PBR’s with Jake while he was on stage playing to 5000 people? Well, it was his fault. He’s the one that put me in that situation.
I wandered out of my room and down the hall and peeked in Zoe’s room. I missed putting her to bed again tonight. She was breathing gently, her mouth open as she was a little stuffed up with a cold. I saw Luna had put a humidifier in her room and felt really grateful. Tomorrow was going to be a new day and I would just immerse myself in Zoe, until Chris came back to me…if that was even a possibility. On my way back to my room I stopped outside my door and looked down the hallway towards the living room. Jake walked past on his way to the couch, holding a blanket and he stopped and looked at me. I smiled and waved a small wave to say goodnight. He grinned back his amazing, sly smile and shook his head at me for some reason. I caught my breath. I went in and shut my door behind me and leaned on it. My heart was pounding. He needed to get the heck out of here first thing in the morning. I couldn’t take having him around. I locked my door quietly then went to get ready for bed.