I watched Zoe lining up her dolls on the large rug in the living room. I could feel myself slipping away again and once again, I didn’t understand why…what triggered it, why I could handle some difficult situations, then when there was some normalcy around, I just lost it again. I needed Luna here to help. But now, today, it was me, and Chris and Zoe. I watched my little girl and realized that every time I felt myself slipping was when it was me, and Chris and Zoe, together as a family.
I know how to control my breathing. Just breathe. But the racing heart and the feeling like I was gong to collapse on the floor, there was no fixing that. I can’t stop my heart. So I sat on the floor and watched her line them up in such an organized manner. Then I crumpled and realized with my cheek on the cleanest part of the rug, that the dolls with the yellow skirts, were all upside down. I glanced down at my yellow skirt and I don’t know why that affected me so much, but it did. So when Chris walked in the door and I was sobbing on the floor next to Zoe’s dolls as Zoe continued to play as though this was a normal Thursday afternoon, he just turned around and walked back out of the house and slammed the door. And I don’t know why, but that made me laugh.