Lying naked with Chris was almost the same as being fully clothed, I was so comfortable tangled with him in a mess of white sheets not long out of the dryer. He smoothed my messy hair away from my forehead and kissed it, “God this makes me miss you more”.
I realized I liked him best when he was missing me. I didn’t need affirmation then. His emotion was so obviously in his face so I could see clearly that he really did care about me. All that other stuff, endless video games, leaving all the time, perhaps it meant less than I thought. Now the monotony of comfort wasn’t ruining our relationship and there were no expectations sending me into panic-mode.
“Do you wanna hear my plan?”
“Ok” I said, nervously. His plans tended to mean stability in which I was involved somehow, something I immediately decided I wasn’t ready for even before he began to explain.
“I want to get a place near Luna’s on the beach here. There’s a foreclosure just a few houses down that we can afford.”
I gave a noncommittal nod, this was actually a little exciting, and he continued. “The label wants to give me some good money for getting the next album out in 6 months, which means I’d need to go back to Athens to write the songs and teach them to the guys.” He saw me wince when he said 6 months and he grabbed my hand with both of his. “I don’t want to leave you, not like this with everything so messed up between us. But I can’t abandon the band now that we have this amazing opportunity.”
He held my hand even tighter and looked like he was teetering between excitement at this chance with his band and utter fear about what I was going to say, and I realized I completely had him walking on eggshells around me. Was I really that unpredictable? I could feel the cool air coming in through the cracks on the side of one of my windows and pulled the sheets up and around me. I wondered if the beach house he was talking about was in better shape than Luna’s. “Well if you are going to buy a beach house, why don’t you have the guys in the band all come there to write the album, and Zoe and I will stay here at Luna’s till your album is finished. You know they won’t be able to say no to living at the beach for 6 months, right?”
He processed this for a minute and said, “The guys have jobs they can’t just leave. I think Dave is actually dating someone who isn’t crazy. Anyway, they can’t afford to just come here and not work or anything.”
“But didn’t you all just make lots of money off this tour and with the song doing so well?”
He looked a little uncomfortable. “WelI I did, because I write the songs. The other guys still need to work.”
“Maybe you can pay them then?”
“Pay them for what?” He looked at me like I was crazy.
“I don’t know, for helping you write the new songs.”
“I’d be surprised if James could even write his name.”
“I’m just trying to think of ideas that will keep you in town so you don’t have to leave again.” I knew that would be the end of us if he left again, beach house or no beach house.
“I’ll think about it” he said. He lay back on the pillow with his hands behind his head. “I guess I could see what the guys think about your idea. But that would mean I would have to live with those dirty bastards in the same house for 6 months.”
I shrugged. “You did it for 3 months on a tour bus!”
“Exactly!” he said. I stared at him. Did he want to leave? “But it will be worth it if I can be near my beautiful wife.” He pulled me in for a tight hug then started kissing me again. “Can I stay here tonight?”
“No” I said quickly, not knowing what I would do with him in the morning. He simply smiled a little then slipped his fingers between my legs.”Then can I stay just for a little while longer?”
“Mmm, yes, ok.”
Ungrateful Bliss 