Crazy Weekend

What a crazy Satruday…beach fun then I saw Jake out at a club.

We (Chris, Zoe and I) went to the beach, fun! I noticed a couple of weird things though. There was another little girl that looked like she was Zoe’s age and I saw her tell her mommy that she needed to go potty. It was very strange to see. There is no way that Zoe would ever tell me she needed to go potty. We are so far from that skill.

I also noticed that when we were walking on the beach I had to pull Zoe along with her hand, or even her wrist. But the other little girl walked right next to her mommy and they looked at each other and even chatted a bit.

It worried me. I haven’t been worrying about autism but I feel like I am starting to see some potential problems…and it squeezes my heart, so I try not to think about it.

So, I decided to try out some dance therapy that night and get rid of the anxiety that was threatening to creep back up on me. Lisa was “totally in”. So Chris said he didn’t mind staying home with Zoe as long as I put her to bed before I went out.

It was a perfect night. The dance floor of the club is outdoors and the moon was high. When I looked up at it in the dark blue sky I could see the lines of lanterns strung from the dance floor to the bar.

Jake was there. I hadn’t seen him since I’d gathered up my clothes and scurried out his door last monday morning so it was a bit of a shock to see him. I didn’t even know where we stood. So much had happened that week with Zoe’s autism diagnosis that I didn’t even know if I ever wanted to talk to him ever again…or if I would be completely offended if he blew me off.

I’ll tell you tomorrow what happened at the club, but before I go, check out what  Zoe and I wore to the beach:

Club Jake

(Scroll to the bottom to see the super-cute outfit.)

Jake didn’t blow me off. He came up and talked to me at the bar while Lisa was off dancing with her super cute (in the girliest way possible) friend, Bobby. I was drinking a Gin and Tanqueray and Jake was holding a glass of some sort of draft beer.

He smelled so good and he was wearing his crisp white T-shirt that hung so nicely over his chest. I smiled to myself remembering what he looked like without that shirt on. There was a very pretty girl with long, silky dark brown hair looking at him/us a few bar stools away. I wasn’t the only one who thought he was gorgeous. Normally I would have been totally intimidated by her. But as this was my second g&t of the night, I was confident enough to cut my eyes at her then settle in to chat with Jake Nead.

“Hi” he said. He had to lean right into my ear so I could hear him over the music.
“Hi” I said. I sipped on my straw, my heart pounding.
“I’ve been thinking about you all week.”
“It has been a crazy week,” I said.
“Yeah for me too. I have a question that has been bugging me. I’m just going to come right out and ask it.” I looked up at his eyes. I knew what he was going to ask.

He said, “You are on the pill, right?”

“Yes, of course,” I lied. I was suddenly embarrassed about everything between us. This was so out of control. I stepped away from him and looked for Lisa on the dance floor.
“Do you even know how amazing you are?” he said.
“ I think I am out of my ever-loving mind,” I murmured into my drink.

That is when Lisa came up with Bobby. “Are you going to dance?!” she yelled in my ear.
“In a minute.”
“Who’s this?”
“He works with Chris” I said. Lie number two in 2 minutes. I was going to have to keep track of these.
“He likes you” she said in my ear. God she was observant.
“Let’s go dance” I said. So I left Jake there as Lisa and I went to completely let loose on the dance floor. We were glowing gold from the lanterns and Bobby was making me laugh so hard with his remarkable and wonderfully-silly dance moves.
My troubles were stripped by the loud music engulfing us until I looked up to see Jake looking at me from the bar with that intense gaze of his. What was I going to do with him? I knew what I wanted to do, so badly, so I told Lisa it was time to go.

She was really nice about it and we headed out to her car. I looked behind me as we left and Jake was just starting to talk to the pretty brown-haired girl at the bar. I almost turned around to go back and get rid of her. But Lisa is way too intuitive for me to get away with doing something like that. Oh the interrogation that would have followed. So I kept walking out of the club and internally scolded myself for being so unjustly and weirdly jealous.

So it was an interesting Saturday. If only, IF ONLY, I could stop thinking about Jake. But you know, I haven’t cried about missing Meliah since last Monday.

p.s. I wore this dress, this bracelet and these shoes, all from my fav store, Anthropologie.

Getting My Husband Back

“Do you still like me?” I asked Chris.

“Do we have to do this?” he said.

I pretended I didn’t hear that and moved on. “Because I still like you.” I said. “And I miss you.”

He turned his head from his online soccer video game and looked at me. I think the other team scored a goal.

“What do you mean?” He said.

“I was thinking about when we used to always go out to Point Reyes and go for hikes and go camping in the Redwoods. It was so fun. Do you remember?”

“Um, yeah” he said and started playing his video game again.

I didn’t have much time left. My act of infidelity had been about a week ago. Even if Chris and I were together tonight, a ten-week ultrasound would show discrepancies.

I decided to leave subtly alone. We were too far gone for him to get any hints. “I’m going to bed early tonight, wanna come?”

“Why?” he said. I think he was genuinely confused.

“So we can hang out.”

“What do you want to talk about?” He said.

“Maybe, Chris, just maybe I don’t want to talk.”

He stopped playing his video game again then reached for the remote and turned the TV off. I tried to think if I had ever seen him do that before.

“Is this some kind of a joke?” he said.

“If you keep being so negative about everything then maybe it is.”

“You are dangling carrots and oh so ready to whip them away.”

“I’m not…going to, um, whip anything away.”

He smiled. I suddenly remembered that smile. It was gorgeous. It made my heart flutter a little. Zoe was asleep. We had the whole house to ourselves. I couldn’t help but entertain the thought that if I never cheated on him then this little step forward in our marriage wouldn’t be happening right now.

Meliah flashed into my head but I pushed her out of my head. Not now. I needed this, I couldn’t let grief take even more away from our family than it already had.

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Vision – by: Astrid

“The leaves on the trees are so beautiful. The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

“No, it’s just the whisky,” he murmured, pulling me closer.

“No. It’s super amazingly beautiful,” I said looking up into the oaks of McCarren Park, feeling sky high while we lay in the grass. I twisted his hair between my fingers.

We must have fallen asleep. When we woke, I pulled the twigs out of my hair and shook the grass off my skirt.

As we started walking toward my apartment, I looked at my watch and it was nine in the morning. How did that happen?


I have no thoughts as I walk up the stairs alone. I feel blank. I walk through the door and set my bag down quietly. I grab a glass from the sink and fill it with water as quietly as someone could do when they are sneaking into their apartment absorbed in dread. I fumble through the junk drawer, pop an Advil, and take a sip.

I hear Jonathan in the shower so I speedily slide off my skirt and pull my tank top over my head. I dig deep in my drawer and slip on the softly faded Joy Division t-shirt. I dive under the sheets, close my eyes, and hold my breath.

The water stops and so does my heart.

Momentary Bliss – by: Odette

Monday Morning

Distraction rustles in a breeze that takes my eyes from her golden leaves.

Shattering and shivers under covers, dark like a  tent,

Under salty droplets and shimmering beads.

Papers rustle at my feet, a surprise and I brush them off the bed with my toes.

They float down as though time doesn’t affect them.

Freedom whispers in my ear that happiness is near,

And the papers settle to the ground as I pull a strand of my long, light hair from his prickly chin.

A Diagnosis

We got the diagnosis today.  Zoe has HFA, or high functioning autism. Supposedly that is why she crashes into the couch, she needs extra “input”. Supposedly that is why she chews through a pacifier in 3 days, and why she is a little genius but can’t put her enormous vocabulary together in sentences.

I’ve been reading the Generation Rescue website and also all the latest articles about the causes of autism and it looks like I’m on a lot of lists.

1.I had a virus during my first trimester with a fever, that alone can raise the probability of autism.

2. I ate a ton of tuna fish which is packed with mercury.

3. I took Zoloft which is now associated with autism.

4. Zoe did a catch up immunization session of 5 shots at once just 2 weeks before I made the appointment to have Zoe evaluated. Supposedly this is fine for most kids but if Zoe has a mitochondria disorder, which is common with kids with autism, the “overdose” might have sped her regression.

My “friend” told me that all the toxins from mom and dad get dumped into the first child and can cause neurological damage. I find that hard to believe.

But it looks like Zoe’s autism is is pretty much my fault. I read an article that the newest information is that autism is associated with auto-immune issues passed down from guess who?…Mommy. I suppose that would explain why “spectrum kids” have a harder time shedding toxins which contribute to neurological damage. I also read though that autism might be reversible because the “switches” are not missing or damaged just flipped to the off position. So I wonder if perhaps they can be turned back on again someday?

I just wish I knew all this stuff before…before I got pregnant. What else am I missing? How else am I hurting my baby? I need to find out about this GFCF diet business. Generation Rescue is so sure about how much it can help but our pediatrician simply says it isn’t “proven. I need to talk to someone who studies and knows about nutrition. This article seems a little over the top.But if it is valid, it would mean a total and complete lifestyle change for our family…which I am completely prepared to do if I need to.

Everything I Had Imagined…Almost

It has been easier to stay away from Jake now that Chris is being nice again. But this morning when Chris was at the music shop and Zoe was at camp, Jake just came and sat on the sidewalk in front of my house with his dog, Milo. I went out there and sat next to him. He was quiet then he took my hand and I pulled it away but smiled at him. He rested his elbows on his knees and looked at the ground. Milo sat there with his tounge hanging out, panting in the summer heat. I thought about what I wrote yesterday and said to him,

“I have a new theory of heaven.”

“What’s that?” he said, still looking at the ground.

“Well, it has to do with combining science and spirituality.”

“That already has a name; Scientology.”

“No, not Scientology.” I said and pushed him so that he had to catch himself from falling over.

“What? I wouldn’t hold that against you.”

“Anyway,” I said. “Do you want to hear it?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“It has to do with the String Theory and alternate universes.”

“Have you been watching Phineus and Ferb movies?” He pointed at me.

“I don’t know what that is. But I’ve been watching Nova.”

“OK, so, go on.”

“You keep interrupting me.”

“I’ll be quiet I promise. You were saying something about your scientific heaven.” He grinned and pet Milo’s head.

“My idea is that heaven is actually an alternate universe where we understand time in a way that we don’t have the intellectual ability to understand it now. So when we die and move on, this new universe gives us the new ability to understand what we could never comprehend before, allowing us to now experience time as the past, present and future. Because of this, we get to be with our loved ones from the past, the present and the future.”

“You mean like the people who died a long time ago and people you haven’t met yet are there?”

“Yes. And you know, with a traditional heaven, you leave everyone behind and join loved ones from the past there. But with this alternate universe, time theory, we get to also be with the people who we just left a second ago when we died. We get to be with everyone. Grief is obsolete. That is my idea of heaven.”

“That’s freaky. Are you all together in one room?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know how that would work. In this universe now, we don’t have the ability to comprehend that.”

“That’ for sure” He laughed. “There are some people from my past that I don’t want to see. And what about Hitler, is he there? Cause I don’t want to see him.”

“I sighed. I don’t know.”

“I’m just kidding with you.”

“‘I know” I said.

“I had no idea you were such a nerd,” he said rubbing my arm. “Why are you making up new religeons in your spare time? Is there someone you are missing?”

“Pretty much.”

“Who’s that?”

Now our conversation was at that point that I had fantasized about since I met him. He would be the one who would listen to me about my grief, who wouldn’t be tired of it. He  never knew Meliah so I would’t feel bad telling him the gory details.

“My sister. She died in a car accident last year when she was 9 months pregnant.”

“Did the baby die?”


“Was there anyone else in the car with her?”

“No. No one else was hurt. She was hit by a truck and the driver walked away unscathed”

We sat there, quiet for a few minutes. I wondered if I had just completely alienated him. I was no longer fun. I was suddenly loaded with baggage. I had been thinking of him as a way do deal with my grief and that grief would make me mysterious and deep. But perhaps it doesn’t work that way. People don’t want to embrace sadness into their lives. They want excitement and positive newness to discover. Perhaps now discovering me wasn’t so much fun.

“That sucks” he said.

I nodded.

He got up and Milo did too, his tale wagging.
“I’m gonna go,” he said.

I just looked up at him, feeling really stupid.
“OK” I said, my face burning.

He turned around and walked off down the street with Milo at his heels. I guess I deserved that, I thought. This whole thing was bound to blow up in my face at some point. But that conversation certainly didn’t go how I imagined it would. So much for finding someone to  help me through my grief. Maybe a year is too long, I thought. Maybe I needed to be getting over this and not be spreading misery everywhere.

I put my head in my knees there on the sidewalk and let some tears slip down my face. I thought about how a wormhole time machine would be good right now, and that I probably had two big red marks on my forehead from pressing it on my knees. A drop of salty water dripped on my flip-flop.


I looked up and there was Jake again.”This time tomorrow?” he said.

I nodded.

He walked off again down the street and I smiled through my tears…big circle red marks on my head and all.

GFCF? Jake Will Know

I got the diagnosis on the phone earlier that day, high functoning autism, and I had been on the computer ever since.

Autism, therapy, spectrum, reversable, irreversable, life long, curable, no cure, caused by shots, nothing to do with shots…it was dizzying. I read about how a stomach is a second brain and eating the right foods and cutting out the wrong foods can make amazing changes.

I sat there and looked at the screen. Gluten free, casein free diet…wasn’t Miley Cirus gluten free? Wasn’t that because she had celiac disease? Why do this diet if  Zoe didn’t have anything wrong with her stomach? Then I read that gluten can be an “intolerance” and wouldn’t be detected as an allergy when tested. It all seemed like grasping at straws. It was so much to sift through. I wondered where the truth was. I wished I could just press a button to highlight all the parts that were right so I could delete the wrong information and know what to do.

Jake was a health and nutrition major. Perhaps he knew what I should do. I suddenly really wanted to talk to him really badly. It was late, 11pm. Zoe was asleep and Chris was asleep on the couch. He had fallen asleep there watching TV while I was on the computer in our bedroom.

I had never wanted to se Jake so badly. I stood up and looked at Chris on the couch. I looked at the front door. Chris let out a loud snore. I quietly took a front door key from a hook next to the door and opened the door. I shut it very gently and locked it quietly. I stood outside and listened. The crickets were chirping. I could hear Chris still snoring inside. I looked up and the sky was almost purple with clouds floating by all lit up by the moonlight. What was I going to do now, just walk down the street to Jake’s house and knock on the door?  Hadn’t he had enough of my baggage today with me telling him about my sister dying? Now I was going to go and tell him my daughter had autism? I was going to completely scare him off.  But he was a health and nutrition major, which meant he was learning all the new cutting edge information about what Zoe should and shouldn’t be eating. If the stomach really was like a second brain, he would probably be studying that too.

I walked down the three steps and the pathway to my front gate at the sidewalk and looked at where Jake and I had sat that morning. He had walked away when things got too heavy. Why was I going to lay more on him now? Was this some kind of a test? Was I trying to get rid of him? I walked down the street. The college students were in their houses, lights on with music coming from them. I got closer to Jake’s house. His living room light was on behind the partially closed curtains but his yard was dark. There was his hammock. I smiled. Then I walked up to the front door and stood there. I could hear the TV and guys voices. His roommates were in there. I got nervous. What would they think if I was at the door? What if Jake wasn’t there and I just knocked on the door of the house of some college students that I didn’t know?

I took a breath and knocked. I heard someone say, “Is that the door?”A second later someone opened the door. He had red hair and bright blue eyes. He looked at me in utter amazement. I flushed. But I didn’t have to say anything.

“Jake!” He yelled through the house. “Hot mom is here!”

I looked out at the yard. An escape route. I could just walk away right now. When I looked back at the door Jake was walking up and there was a girl behind him. Of course he was with a girl. I was so stupid. I started to stammer that I could go but the girl turned and hugged Jake, “bye!” she said, giving him some weird knowing smile.

Then she brushed past me, but not too quickly to give me a wink and off she went to her car parked in the yard. I looked at Chris.

“This is a nice surprise” he said, grabbing my elbow and leading me off to his room.

“I’m just here to talk” I said.

He shut the door and we sat on his bed.

“I have a question”

“What’s up?”

“Well, you are a health and nutrition major right?”

He held up a text book that a picture of two pears on the front and it said, ‘Nutirition, Concepts and Controversies’.

“Perfect” I smiled.

“What do you need to know?”

“Well, my little one has autism and I have been reading how food affects kids with autism and I was wondering if you know anything about that because I don’t know anything about it.”

He smiled. “I can help you with that. Listen, tomorrow morning, why don’t I come over and look in your fridge. I can tell you what she should eat and what she shouldn’t eat and why.”

“Ok. That sounds good. I’m gonna go now.”

“Now? Don’t you want to stay for a little while?”

“I can’t.”

I jumped up to go but before I could grab the door handle he wrapped his arms around me.

I shook my head. “I can’t do this.”

“Not one kiss?”

“Um,” before I could say yes or no he kissed me and I let him. Then I slipped out of his grasp and grabbed the door handle. He grinned at me and my heart started to thump so I turned the handle quickly and hurried out of his room. He walked after me to the door and I opened it and looked around his living room. There were two guys on the couch playing video games but they were not looking at the screen. They were both staring at me.

“Um, bye” I said. “Thanks Chris for that information.”

“Anytime” he smiled.

I slipped out of the door and shut it behind me. The crickets chirped and my heart pounded just as loud. I hurried through his yard then started to jog down the street to my house and stopped at my front door. I listened. I didn’t hear snoring. I stood outside for a few minutes until I started to get a chill from the breeze blowing on my sweat. Then I reached to get my key out of my pocket. It wasn’t there. I checked my other pocket. Not there either. I turned and looked back down the street. Perhaps it fell out of my pocket when I was jogging.  Suddenly the door opened and Chris was standing there.

“What are you dong out here?” he said. “I heard someone out here. I thought you were in bed.” He had a baseball bat in his hand.

“I went for a walk.”

“Why are you just standing out here?”

“Look at the sky” I said. “It is beautiful.” We looked up and the clouds had a silver lining from the moon behind them. The trees were black silhouettes against the glowing clouds.”

“Are you coming in now?” he said.

“OK.” I walked inside and wondered if I smelled like Jake’s cologne. “I am going to take a shower” I said and hurried off to the bathroom. Why did I let him kiss me again? OK, that was the last time. Never again. And when I saw him tomorrow, it was going to be strictly plutonic.

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